Sadism & Masochism (also known as S&M) is a way of using pain as a sexual stimulant, and the practice is more common than you’d think, although it’s rarely talked about. So, we spoked with licensed marriage and sex therapist, Dr. Kat Van Kirk, to bring you the best tips and tricks. To start, let’s just get familiar with what S&M really is — after all, most people are only familiar with it through what they’ve seen and read in Fifty Shades of Grey. “Sadism is the sexual pleasure/gratification of “pain and suffering” upon another person,” Dr. Kat explains. “Masochism is pleasure derived from “physical or psychological” pain inflicted on oneself either by oneself or by others.”
This concept can be quite confusing, and there are various misconceptions about S&M. “S&M is not only about causing or inflicting pain,” Dr. Kat says. “It entails a variety of behaviors, including bondage and discipline.” What seems to confuse people most, though, is that one person is “getting hurt” in the act. That can’t possibly be okay, can it? “When practiced properly, S&M is safe and sane,” Dr. Kat reveals. “All play within S&M is considered a power exchange/power play. This means that play should be consensual.” It’s also commonly thought that the person performing the sadistic behaviors (“the top” or “dominant”) is in complete control, but that’s also not the case. “In reality, it’s quite the opposite,” Dr. Kat admits. “The “bottom” or submissive actually controls the level of play by using understood code words that limit the actions of the dominant.”
This code word is very important when it comes to S&M sex, especially when you’re just starting out. “Start planned and slow,” Dr. Kat advises. “Set up a ‘safe’ word to stop play, and follow the submissive’s commands regarding what’s okay and what isn’t. Otherwise, trust can be broken. Most people prefer engaging with a trusted partner in play.”
Of course, like with anything else in the bedroom, the most enjoyable S&M practices are based on preference, but here are some tips from Dr. Kat to try out: “It could be pre-negotiated forceful sex, role playing, lightly tying one another up, biting or scratching.” She suggests taking the time with your partner to examine one another’s fantasies for new ideas, as well. “No type of power play is considered abnormal, as long as those involved in the action do so willingly and it doesn’t interfere with other aspects of their life.”
If done correctly with both people fully on-board, S&M can actually benefit a relationship. “A little power play can be helpful in reigniting a stagnating sexual relationship because it can shift the dynamic and create a healthy sense of sexual drama,” Dr. Kat explains. “Research has shown that S&M play can actually improve trust, communication and intimacies between partners in long term relationships.”
HollywoodLifers, do you think you’ll try S&M sex after hearing these tips!?