Justin Bieber’s Monkey, OG Mally
The story of Justin Bieber‘s illegal capuchin monkey, OG Mally, has been told more times than I can even count — but it’s so ridiculous, I can’t help but tell it one more time. The little guy was a 19th birthday gift from rapper Jamal “Mally Mall” Rashid, and Justin was really excited to receive him. Sadly, he wasn’t excited enough to fill out any of the necessary paperwork to legalize him, so li’l OG was detained in Germany while Justin was on tour. They say that on a really peaceful night in Germany, you can still hear the faint sounds of OG whispering to his neglectful owner: “Baby… baby… baby… oh…”
The Kardashians’ Chimpanzee, Suzy
Like most of the Kardashians’ pets — R.I.P., Mercy! — this chimpanzee, known as Suzy, didn’t stay with the family for long. It was a gift for Kris Jenner, who apparently said she wanted one in 2009, but quickly realized what a pain in the ass taking care of a chimp can really be. And in true Kardashian fashion, Suzy managed to stir up controversy in the short time she spent with the famous family. Kim Kardashian came under fire for posting pictures of the family with Suzy just days after a woman in Stamford, Conn., was famously mauled by her best friend’s chimp, prompting her to release one of her trademarked apologies. (Stay klassy, Kardashians.)
Tori Spelling’s Goats, Including Totes McGoat
Honestly, Tori Spelling could kill my entire family and I’d still love her for this one very simple reason: She and husband Dean McDermott have a pet goat that they actually named Totes McGoat! Seriously, take a minute to process that. The couple also adopted a second goat, featured on their Oxygen series Tori & Dean: Something Something, and while it didn’t have an equally epic name, it was just as adorable as good ol’ Totesy.
Paris Hilton’s Kinkajou, Baby Luv
I won’t even pretend like this one isn’t completely stupid. There was a brief time in 2006 when Paris Hilton owned a kinkajou — referred to in certain scientific circles as a “honey bear” — which she called Baby Luv. Presumably because she assigned it the same name a clueless middle schooler might assign herself an AIM screen name, Baby Luv sank its little baby teeth into Paris one morning, resulting in the heiress having to go to the emergency room for a tetanus shot. Ah, the simple life.
Hugh Hefner’s Peacock
As if it wasn’t weird enough that Hugh Hefner hoards dozens of women at his mansion and refers to them as “Bunnies,” the Playboy mogul also boasts an exotic menagerie of pets that roam his Los Angeles estate. The most extravagant — and, obviously, my favorite — is the Playboy Peacock. Sometimes I just lay in bed at night, wondering what the peacock is doing at that very moment. The answer I usually settle on is simply “being sexy,” and then I pass out from thinking too hard.
Mike Tyson’s Pigeons
I have very little to say about this one, other than: Mike Tyson has pigeons. Good night, and good luck.
HollywoodLifers, which of these pets do YOU think is weirdest? Cast your vote below, then drop me a comment telling me how much therapy I need.