Allison Holker talked about her late husband, Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss‘, death for the first time in a new interview with PEOPLE. tWitch died by suicide on Dec. 13 at the age of 40, and Allison admitted that it was something she never saw coming. “No one had any inkling that he was low,” she shared. “He didn’t want people to know. He just wanted to be everyone’s Superman and protector.”
Because Allison had such a “beautiful” life with tWitch, she’s been struggling to process what he was going through. “It’s been really hard because I can’t understand what was happening in that moment [when he died],” she said. Five months later, she revealed that she’s still dealing with “complex” emotions, including “sorry, disappointment, love and anger.” However, she wants her husband to be remembered in a positive light. “Stephen brought so much joy to this world,” she gushed. “He deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was.”
The professional dancers met on So You Think You Can Dance in 2010, and they tied the knot in Dec. 2013. Together, they had a son, Maddox, 7, and daughter, Zaia, 3, together. Stephen also adopted Allison’s eldest daughter, Weslie, 14, who she had from a previous relationship. Allison has been open with her children about their father’s death, and together, they’re grieving. “I’m trying to teach them — and myself — that if you’re angry or sad, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person,” Allison shared. “We’re coping together and that requires trust and being really vulnerable.”
Now, Allison said she’s rediscovered her “purpose” in life, which is to continue bringing love and joy to others, just like she did with her husband. “I’ve had so many people — specifically men — reach out to me saying how they were so affected because they didn’t realize how much they were holding on to and not expressing,” Allison explained. “I found that to be a lot to hold on to at first, but then I realized that I want people to feel safe talking to me and to open up and understand that we have to support each other in these moments.”
Allison is figuring out life without tWitch, but she said she has still be unable to participate in their shared passion — dance — since losing him five months ago. “That’s gonna be a big step for me,” she admitted. “But I know that I’ll get there. He’s guiding me on this path.”