'Game Of Thrones': Daenerys Finds Her Dragons After A Surprise Bloodbath

Plus, Theon continues his quest to become the worst. character. ever. My mantra has gone from "Kill Joffrey" to "Kill Theon" over the course of the season, and my contempt for the little Stark-crosser grew ten-fold on Game of Thrones' May 13 episode. Theon (Alfie Allen) was most displeased that his flunkies let Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) and Rickon (who I forget exists each week) escape Winterfell. Unable to track them down, he faked their deaths to send a message to all of Westeros. You know, so now everyone can hate him as much as the viewers already do.

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The runaways’ sister Arya (Maisie Williams), meanwhile, is in a much better position as Tywin’s (Charles Dance) cross-dressing apprentice — but this week, we began to see more of her dark side peek out, and it terrified me a little bit. She planned to stabbed him when his back was turned, though she eventually chickened out. I was surprised when Tywin told her she reminds him of his daughter, but if you think about it, Cersei (Lena Headey) pretty much stabs people in the back like it’s her job — and, actually, it kind of is.

Poor Sansa (Sophie Turner) had herself a pretty rotten day at King’s Landing — like, even worse than her usual life with Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) — when she had her first period, making her officially able to bare one of Joffrey’s demonic offspring. A total of three people walked in on Sansa nervously trying to wash her sheets, and as if that wasn’t awkward enough, she then had to have “the talk” with Cersei. But in Sansa’s defense, her conversation with Cersei was far less awkward than Tyrion’s (Peter Dinklage), who had to listen to his sister admit to having a baby with Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). Then they almost hugged. Almost.

Jon (Kit Harrington), still trekking through the snow alongside his wildling-with-benefits Ygritte (Rose Leslie), enjoyed a beautiful night of spooning — but the fun ended there. After using the world’s worst pick-up line to seduce him (“It don’t have teeth”), Ygritte’s savage peeps surrounded Jon and kidnapped him. I’m thinking it would be too naïve to assume they want to make him their beautiful new queen. In fact, judging by the previews, it looks like he’s about to get up-close-and-personal with Mance Rayder. Gulp.

On the subject of double-crossing, things weren’t any less dramatic over in Qarth. Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) found out her dragon babies were kidnapped by Pyat (Ian Hanmore) and her suitor Xaro Xhoan (Nonso Anozie), who just so happens to now be the new King of Qarth. Well, he wasn’t the king until Pyat used his trickery to help him slaughter the rest of the Thirteen in an absolute bloodbath. This show does those so well.

Still no sign of Stannis (Stephen Dillane) and his ginger baby mama (Carice van Houten). What could they possibly be doing? Making more Shadow Babies? Because if they are, I’m kind of glad we’re not seeing them. One traumatizing birth scene was enough for me, thanks.

DEATH COUNT: 16 (one rando, two of Jaime’s victims, 11 members of the Thirteen, and Theon’s two decoys)
BOOB COUNT: For the second time this season, zero. (Is this Westeros, or The Twilight Zone?)

How do you feel about this week’s turn of events? Do you think Catelyn will have Jaime killed? Will Pyat and Xaro Xhoan prove to be friends or foes of Daenerys? Drop a comment with your thoughts and theories!

— Andy Swift

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