Mariska Hargitay revealed in a new essay that she was raped by a friend in her thirties. The Law & Order: SVU star, 59, detailed the experience and how she was able to move forward after she “removed it from [her] narrative.”
“It wasn’t sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Overpowering control,” Mariska wrote to PEOPLE in the publication’s current cover story. “He was a friend. Then he wasn’t. I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say ‘no.’”
The California native then described the frightening moment when she was sexually assaulted. “He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I was terrified,” she continued. “I didn’t want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent. I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to escape. I checked out of my body.”
Mariska pointed out that she “couldn’t process it” and “couldn’t believe that it happened. That it could happen.”
“So, I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative,” she acknowledged. “I now have so much empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me through it. It never happened. Now I honor that part. I did what I had to do to survive.”
Although she “occasionally had talked about what this person did to [her],” Mariska “minimized” how it affected her and what the situation really was.
“My husband, Peter [Hermann] remembers me saying, ‘I mean, it wasn’t rape,’” Mariska said. “Then, things started shifting in me, and I began talking about it more in earnest with those closest to me. … Now, I’m able to see clearly what was done to me. I understand the neurobiology of trauma. Trauma fractures our mind and our memory. The way a mirror fractures.”
The Law & Order: Organized crime actress also acknowledged that the assault was “acquaintance rape because many people still think of rape as a man jumping out of the bushes. This was a friend who made a unilateral decision.”
Mariska concluded her story by discussing her intention to educate others about rape, noting that her “hope was for people to be able to talk about sexual assault the same way they now talk about cancer. Tell someone you’ve survived cancer, and you’re celebrated.”
“I want the same response for sexual assault survivors,” she added. “I want no shame with the victim. The shame of the act belongs with the perpetrator: they’re the ones who committed the heinous, shameful act. As for justice, it’s important to know that it may look different for each survivor.”
Mariska then said that, in terms of justice, she wants “an acknowledgment and an apology.”
“This is a painful part of my story. The experience was horrible,” she noted. “But it doesn’t come close to defining me in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me. No single part of anyone’s story defines them. I’m turning 60, and I’m so deeply grateful for where I am. I’m renewed and I’m flooded with compassion for all of us who have suffered. And I’m still proudly in process.”
If you or anyone you know has been sexually abused, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). A trained staff member will provide confidential, judgment-free support as well as local resources to assist in healing, recovering and more.