House Stark & Others Close By:
Arya may have made it inside the House of Black and White, but now she was just sweeping floors. She had her eye on Jaqen and took the opportunity to let him know she wasn’t happy being a maid. She wanted to learn how to become a Faceless Man, and sweeping wasn’t helping. Jaqen pressed that Arya had to serve and eventually become “no one” if she was to get what she desired. Arya tried to pry Jaqen about the Many Faced God, but he was just as cryptic as ever.
Meanwhile, Littlefinger and Sansa had arrived at Moat Cailin, which didn’t spell good news for Sansa. Littlefinger was ready to take her “home” to Winterfell, but there was a catch. His plan wasn’t to marry Sansa — Littlefinger had planned for her to marry Ramsay Bolton. (Girl, you better run.). Sansa refused to go back to Winterfell knowing the same man who had her brother killed controlled it.
“You’ve been a bystander to tragedy since the day they executed your father,” Littlefinger said. “Stop being a bystander. You hear me? Stop running.” They had to make their own justice in the world, and it was about time Sansa started avenging her family.
If no one wants to marry Littlefinger, then I will. Hate me for it, but I am obsessed with him. He may be ruthless, but he’s got the right idea about life, man. Sansa got right back on her horse and headed to Moat Cailin.
Podrick and Brienne were watching from a distance. He was (adorably) still squiring even though he wasn’t technically required to. During their downtime, Podrick told his life story. Tywin had saved him because of his family name. Brienne apologized for being a terribly moody person around him. Podrick — being the actual best– said he was proud to be her squire after complimenting Brienne on her fighting skills. After that, Brienne vowed to teach him how to fight. That’s when Brienne started telling her life story. She was picked on as a kid and only Renly Baratheon was kind and sincere to her. She still felt guilty about his death and promised to avenge her king. The shadow that killed Renly had the face of Stannis Baratheon. If she couldn’t kill the shadow, she could still kill Stannis. Gulp.
Later, some rando just walked into Arya’s room and started hitting her! After playing this little game, Jaqen walked in and asked what the f–k was up. He eyed her sword. If Arya was no one, then she couldn’t be Arya anymore. Thus, the disassembling of the Arya Stark we once knew. She threw her clothes into the sea and her coin. The last thing left was Needle. That was one thing she couldn’t throw away forever, so she hid it away in some rocks.
House Bolton:
Theon was back! But poor guy looked like a wreck. Well, he was in the presence of bodies that had been fileted by Ramsay. God, he is the worst. Daddy Roose wanted to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with Ramsay. Their previous pact with the Lannisters was for naught now that Tywin was dead. Ramsay needed a bride to solidify House Bolton’s place in the North, and that girl was Sansa!
Littlefinger and Sansa arrived in Moat Cailin. Ramsay was very pleased with his bride-to-be. He promised to never hurt Sansa, but we all know that’s a lie. Roose questioned Littlefinger’s alliance after he received a letter from Cersei. Littlefinger promised he was firmly anti-Lannister — for now.
At The Wall:
Jon Snow was still refusing the name of Jon Stark, even though Stannis had literally just handed it over. Stannis wanted Jon to avenge his family and rule the North, but Jon was sitting cozy and all noble-like with the Night’s Watch. Stannis warned Jon that he should send Alister Thorne away since he was, you know, an enemy.
“I heard it was best to keep your enemies close,” Jon said. “Whoever said that didn’t have many enemies,” Stannis replied. Bazinga! Ser Daavos made one last plea to Jon — as long as he sat at Castle Black, nothing was going to get done.
During his first meeting as Lord Commander, Jon named Alister First Ranger. He wasn’t playing around. Lord Janos refused to accept his title and was taken to the gallows. He pleaded with Jon for mercy, and it looked like Jon was going to set him free, but no. HE CHOPPED OFF HIS HEAD.
House Lannister:
Well, Tommen and Margaery were married! Margaery looked beautiful, and Tommen looked cute. Cersei was not happy about it. Unlike with Joffrey, Margaery got the chance to consummate the marriage.
“This is all I want to do every day, all day for the rest of my life,” Tommen excitedly told Margaery after doing the deed. Slow down there, dude. Let’s just try and make it through the night without someone trying to kill you, okay? As soon as she left the bed, Margaery started dropping hints about kicking Cersei out of King’s Landing. Damn, this girl is good.
But just as soon as Margaery started, Cersei jumped on Tommen by questioning Margaery’s intelligence and more. However, Tommen was spellbound by his new bride. He told his dear mother that she should go back to Casterly Rock. Cue Cersei’s seething.
Margaery and Cersei were basically starring in their own version of Real Housewives of King’s Landing. Margaery subtly joked about Cersei’s drinking problem and her sex life with Tommen while Cersei played the victim. Margaery further stuck the knife in Cersei gut by teasing she’d be a grandmother soon. Cersei didn’t retaliate like she usual, but her hatred was clear.
Cersei had other matters to attend to. The High Septon was humiliated by the Sparrows and wanted them arrested. Cersei headed to see the High Sparrow and basically threatened him. Boy, is she stirring up trouble.
Far away from King’s Landing, Tyrion was still stuck in that godforsaken box. He was now in Volantis, and Tyrion wanted OUT. He and Varys found their way to a brothel, as expected. And guess who else was there? JORAH! Tyrion attempted to get jiggy with a whore but couldn’t do it. As Tyrion relieved himself, Jorah came up from behind and kidnapped him! With Tyrion in tow, Jorah was headed back to Meereen to get back in Daenerys’ good graces, I assume. (!!!!!!!)
HollywoodLifers, what did you think of tonight’s Game of Thrones? Let me know!
— Avery Thompson
Follow @avery__thompson