Plus: Stefan & Rebekah go back in time (sort of), while going forward with their relationship (sort of).
An incredibly rare thing happened on the Jan. 31 episode of The Vampire Diaries — and I’m talking, like, BIGFOOT rare: Elena (Nina Dobrev) actually came up with a plan that worked, and no one we really cared about had to die in the process! Since killing Kol (Nathaniel Buzolic) would also kill every vampire in his bloodline, thus allowing Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) to immediately grow the rest of his tattoo, she devised a way for the li’l hunter to off the Original.
I’m not going to lie, the plan hit a few snags along the way — like when Kol impaled Elena with a huge plank of wood from the staircase, or when Kol almost cut off both of Jeremy’s enormous arms in the kitchen. But ultimately, Team Gilbert was able to subdue to the butt-chinned Original and light him the f**k on fire. Klaus (Joseph Morgan) was pissed, but let’s be real, friends: When is Klaus not pissed? … Exactly.
When all was said and done, the gang rendezvoused at the Salvatore Mansion for a super-awkward game of “Who Slept With Whom?” Damon (Ian Somerhalder) revealed to the group that Stefan (Paul Wesley) had just porked Rebekah (Claire Holt) the night before, and surprisingly, Elena looked kind of pissed. Well, more surprised than pissed — but either way, she definitely didn’t enjoy it as much as I did. Then Stefan brought up the sire bond again, because he sucks and can’t let go of the past, so Damon punched him right in his perfectly sculpted jaw.
This tete-a-tete could have gone on forever, had Jeremy not interrupted them by screaming and ripping off his shirt — enjoy that gif below — to reveal the fully developed hunter’s mark.
“Here we go…” Damon whispered, his piercing blue eyes fixated on the half-naked Gilbert standing lustfully by the fireplace. … Oh, God, did I just write “lustfully?” Sorry, I’ll save that kind of talk for my best-selling #Deremy fan fiction. It’ll be like Fifty Shades of Gray, only not absolutely terrible.
Stefan + Rebekah 4ever
Can we take a minute to talk about how perfect Stefan and Rebekah are together? I know Stefan was technically forced to spend time with her tonight as part of Elena’s plan, but it’s so obvious they have legit feelings for each other, even if neither of them is willing to admit that.
“What’s going on with you?” she asked him after they snuck into the canceled — thanks a lot, Mayor Dickhead — ’80s dance at Mystic Falls High. “You’re… fun tonight.”
See? Stefan having fun is such a foreign concept to every character on this show that they actually second guess him when he smiles! I guess that’s what he meant last week when he told Elena she wasn’t used to seeing what he was like when he wasn’t in love with her. He’s happy now. Here’s the math lesson I’m taking away from this episode: Stefan minus Elena equals happy.
Stefan and Rebekah’s deceitful little date also brought out a surprise confession from the misunderstood Mikaelson: She wants to be human! She wants to find someone who will love her enough to hold up a stereo outside her window, à la Say Anything! I think that made me fall in love with Rebekah even more than I already have. I just wanted to lick all the tears off her face until she stopped crying — or until she asked me who I was, and what I was doing. Whichever came first.
Rebekah was, understandably, super pissed to find out Stefan had only taken her to the dance so that Jeremy could kill Kol — but somehow I don’t see this being a deal breaker for her. Mark my words: She and Stefan shall pork again!
Mo Bennetts, Mo Problems
Just when we thought Bonnie’s (Kat Graham) dad was the most annoying addition to Mystic Falls since “Not Now” Dana, along came Bonnie’s mom (Persia White) to remind us things can always get worse. They demanded that she stop helping the Gilberts — and by “demanded,” I mean they literally chloroformed her and tried to hold her captive — but they forgot one tiny, yet oh-so-important detail: She’s a freakin’ all-powerful witch who doesn’t take s**t from nobody no more!
After reducing her mom to a whimpering little baby vamp, Bonnie hauled ass to Chez Gilbert, where she proceeded to trap Klaus in the living room with one of her crazy new spells.
All. Hail. Queen. Bonnie.
Once you’ve recovered from this bananas episode, share your thoughts with me: Did you love Rebekah and Stefan’s “date” as much as I did? Were you at all bummed to see Kol go up in flames? And, seriously, how incredible was that Jeremy shirt-rip?! Drop me a comment with your review of the episode!
— Andy Swift
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