On the first of two episodes to air on August 15, we pick up watching June Shannon and her brood clipping coupons. With Alana ‘Honey Boo Boo’ Thompson‘s big Rockstar Pageant coming up, it’s time to throw the insane paper product stockpiling into overdrive. Totally normal. June tells us that she has a “big family to feed,” which is like me telling you, “Hey, the sky is blue.” Alana calls her mama out, though, and bleats, “My mama is cheap,” as we’re shown the family’s enormous rations of paper tower, toilet paper, and soap — which is weird because I assumed this family used none of it. As one of her daughters questions the need for such quantities, June reminds her, “You gotta wipe your too-tay,” because, duh.
Honey Boo Boo, Coupon Queen, & The Fam At the Piggly Wiggly
Quickly, we’re at the Piggly Wiggly with June and the girls, where June tells us that, for her, extreme couponing is better than sex. She also shows off some great mental math skills, as she calculates how best to get 14 packets of chocolate milk mix for free because, why not? After standing up in, and subsequently falling out of, a shopping cart, Lauryn reminds her mother that she should get some rust remover because “it removes your neck crust.” It was at this point that the camera proved to us that June does, in fact, have neck crust and I poured myself a second glass of wine.
All in all, June somehow walked out of the PigWig with $130 worth of groceries for $27 dollars, which would have been more impressive if the cart had happened to have at least one vegetable in it. But, alas, there was no room with all the ramen noodles in the way. Nutrition!
Back At Honey Boo Boo HQ…
Back at home, we’re informed that the family is planning a baby shower for 17-year-old Anna and we get our first glimpse of my favorite character, Glitzy the Pig. You remember Glitzy from last week, he’s the boy pig who Alana dresses like a girl to make him gay because “you can’t tell that pig what to do!” (Honey Boo Boo, gay rights activist?) Anywho, Glitzy comes out and wails up a storm, probably because he misses the soothing scent of the sty he was born in, compared to the one he’s being held captive in now. In a frighteningly funny bit of dialogue, Alana says “I hope Mama don’t eat Glitzy. She eats everything else.”
A Redneck Slip ‘n Slide (AKA Bath Time)
Outside, it’s hot, and as June tells us, “Heat and big people don’t mix.” So, it’s time to put together the redneck slip and slide. You know what that is, right? Where you take a tarp and slather it in vegetable oil and dish soap, make a mud puddle at the end, and shimmy on down? Oh, you don’t? Weird.
While the rest of the family is still talking their bath out at the hose, Alana’s heading to Deeva’s Dance Studio to learn her new pageant routine. Yes, Deeva’s. God bless America. Amanda Carter, Alana’s new coach, teaches Alana a routine based on Elvis Presley because “you can’t tell that pig what to do!” Amanda tells Alana that she needs to practice the new routine twice a day, once in the morning and once at night, to which Alana replies, “I wake up, like, at night,” which is distressing on several levels.
June Shannon’s Weight Loss (That’s ‘Mama Boo Boo,’ to You!)
But there’s no time to dwell on Alana’s apparent vampirism, it’s week three of the family’s weight loss competition! The beleaguered family scale is brought into the dining room, as Jessica (or as her family affectionately refers to her, Chubbs) is the first to face the music. In case you don’t remember from last week, Jessica instigated this whole weight loss thing. Jessica has lost two pounds, down to 173. June steps on the scale next and it reads 303, down from her initial 309.
During an interview, June informs us that her goal is to get down to 270 pounds. She tells us this as she and entire family sit in front of a table covered in bowls of Cheetos and candy. Good luck, June!
Back at the weigh-in, Glitzy the pig has had enough and poops all over the table. I repeat, Glitzy the pig poops all over the table. Someone needs to wipe their too-tay!
At her baby shower, we learn that Anna’s baby daddy isn’t the picture anymore, which is genuinely sad. It’s heartening, though, to see that her family is really supporting her in her pregnancy.
Chug The Baby Bottle
Grandma Boo Boo suggests a game of America’s national pastime, Chug The Baby Bottle and hands Alana and her five-year-old cousin Bryan each a bottle filled with what I imagine to be moonshine. (I kid, it’s probably just vodka.) After having instilled great skills in their young daughter, like throwing back your alcoholic beverage the fastest, June and Sugar Bear face off. June proves that she’s either terribly bad at this or she hates her family, as she spits her mouthful all over their faces and her mother’s living room wall. Winning!
The episode ends as Anna is opening her baby gifts and Lauryn decides to bring Glitzy in the room. Glitzy begins to scream immediately, which seems to be his favorite sound to make, though he really ought to stop it because the family seems to be slowly growing to hate him. I worry for Glitzy.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ Recap Part 2: Gettin’ Gussied Up
Because TLC loves us (or hates us, you decide), this week’s second episode began immediately! It’s June’s eight year anniversary with Sugar Bear, and they’re going on their first date ever, which sounds just about right.
To prepare, June takes the girls to what they call a salon, but what I’m convinced was a mortuary trying to drum up some alternative business. June and Alana get facials, because Alana’s “gotta shine up this old barn for the judges.” Alana is amazing. June says she got her “vajingle-jangle” all cleaned up, which is weird, because I thought she only got a facial.
Jessica ‘Chubbs’ Thompson’s Feet Need A Cheese Grater
She treats her other daughters to pedicures – because their faces aren’t important – and we learn that Jessica needs a cheese grater for her feet, because, as she says, “I have a lot of stuff on my feet. They’re pretty harsh.” The pedicurist, who looks horrified, tells the camera, “Wow, very, very overwhelming.” And that’s before she learns about June’s forklift foot, which she got when her foot was run over by a forklift. June winds up getting the outside of her sock (just one!) painted, rather than show us her mangled feet, which came as quite a relief to me. The pedicurist was only relieved when they left, saying “I think I need to go home now.”
The girls do June’s make-up for the date, and it’s genuinely cute how they all have fun together, painting their mom up like when Dumbo is made to be a clown. We learn that Sugar Bear, a man of few words and, probably, fewer teeth, is only Alana’s dad and that he and June aren’t married because June won’t agree to it. “The M word scares me, my flesh crawled,” she says. Alana seems to be unfazed by her parents and their unorthodox relationship, telling the camera, “I know Mama and Sugar Bear love each other so much. I don’t need no piece of paper to tell me that.”
June & Sugar Bear’s Big Date
June and Sugar Bear go on their date to a restaurant that, at first, looked to me like someone’s living room. Only later is it revealed to be a cafeteria of some sort. Romance! Sugar Bear gifts June with a giant, gold deer statue because they love to eat roadkill, or something. June tries to eat with a fork, instead of just her hands, because of the five-star setting.
While their parents are feeding each other various puddings for dessert, Alana and her sisters decide to cover the entire house, inside and out, in the emergency stockpile of toilet paper, which was alarming because, what happens the next time the pig poops on the dining room table? June and Sugar Bear come home and mostly just laugh at the wasted toilet paper because who needs trees?
Honey Boo Boo Goes Dress Shopping
Reminding us that this show is ostensibly about Alana, June decided it’s time to see if her old pageant dress still fits. With the Boo Boo family diet being what it is, it’s pretty clear that the dress won’t. “Mama says pretty comes in all different sizes. My size is cute,” Alana says, which is pretty adorable. But, still, new dress time!
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ Finale — Alana’s Last Pageant [VIDEO]
June, Alana, and Glitzy hit up Lacy Lu’s Boutique where Lacy stabs Alana with pins a bunch of times, Alana orders a matching dress for Glitzy, and Glitzy screams a lot. The perfect ending to a Wednesday night.
Who do you think will win the Boo Boo family weight loss challenge? Have you ever used a redneck slip and slide? Are you worried about Glitzy the Pig? And will you tune in next week? Drop me a line in the comments and let me know, HollywoodLifers!
— Billy Nilles
More Honey Boo Boo:
- Reality Star Honey Boo Boo: ‘I Hate Justin Bieber’
- Honey Boo Boo Gets Her Own ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ Spin-Off
- Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Accused Of Child Abuse