Kim revealed in her recent interview with Oprah on the OWN network that she had told you, her mom, that “I want to” have sex with my boyfriend” when she was 14, and you replied, “OK, so this is what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna put you on birth control.”
Now Kris, I do applaud you for having an open enough relationship that your daughter would come to you to talk about her desire to have sex.
But that’s where my applauding ends. As a mother myself of a 15-year-old daughter, I am stunned that you wouldn’t have discouraged your teenager, Kim, from losing her virginity. Fourteen is far too young to be dealing with the intense emotions that having sex with a boyfriend, can arouse. And no, I’m not talking about sexual arousal. We all know about that. Teenage boys and girls are horny, but that doesn’t mean that they are ready to act on their sexual desires.
Teens are still very immature, especially teenage boys. And that means that 14-year-old girls can end up feeling used and abused after a sexual relationship. Their self-esteem can be completely shattered especially if the boy ends up abusing their trust and blabs about their sexual relationship, or even worse, takes and shares illicit photos and videos.
There are so many potential dangers – aside from the most obvious – a teen pregnancy – that saying “no” to Kim, would have been a much more responsible move for you as a mother.
“She was trying to be a pal, not a mom,” agrees Beverly Hills psychotherapist, Dr. Jenn Berman, host of “The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn. “I do question if she’s fulfilling her role as a guide, and her responsibility as a parent.”
Instead of setting up Kim immediately with birth control, you should have had a detailed discussion about what it means to have sex – the responsibilities and the dangers in terms of pregnancy and STDS, points out Dr. Berman. Having sex at 14 truly is like playing with fire, even Kris if you took Kim to see a gynecologist and to get birth control. There were other physical consequences she could have suffered, as well as emotional fallout.
And who’s to say that Kim later shooting a sex tape with her boyfriend Ray J, wasn’t the result of her becoming sexually active at such a young age. By 22, she may have needed the extra thrill of videotaping herself having sex, because normal private sex just wasn’t enough for her.
But bottom line is Kris – you’re a parent. And parents aren’t supposed to be enabling their children to engage in risky behavior. Parents are supposed to show their love by setting boundaries and that includes saying no to activities that could hurt them.
You should have showed Kim you loved her by saying no to sex at 14.
“Ultimately teenagers want boundaries from their parents. Because boundaries to a teenager mean I love you . That’s how they interpret it,” points out psychotherapist, Dr. Gilda Carle of drgilda.com.”No matter what kids say and how much a kid fights, they want their parents to put their foot down and say no.”
Furthermore, Dr. Gilda, the 30-second therapist on Today.com, explains that, when you Kris, said “yes, it’s OK to have sex” to Kim, you sent the message that Kim was ruling the house and that you Kris didn’t need to take charge.
That’s a bad message Kris. And you still have two teen daughters – Kendall, 16, and Kylie, 14, who now will think it’s their right to have teenage sex whenever they feel like it, with your approval.
After all, if it was OK by you for Kim, you can’t now say no to Kendall and Kylie. Are you really comfortable with that?
I sure wouldn’t be.
Kris, I hope you’ve learned from your mistakes and aren’t going to enable your younger daughters to have teen sex too. Otherwise, one of them could end up as a teen mom, and I doubt that you want to be doing THAT reality show!
Bonnie Fuller
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