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'Basketball Wives' Recap — Evelyn & Royce Throw Drinks At Each Other & Fight!

Tue, June 14, 2011 8:03am EDT by 6 Comments

Evelyn and Royce finally come face to face and get into a fight before security finally breaks them up!

First thing’s first. Confession: I’ve never seen an episode of Basketball Wives. Tonight was my first, so bear with me as I attempt to piece together what I’ve missed in the previous two seasons (and this season’s first two episodes). I also know NOTHING about basketball, but I happen to know a thing or two about housewives.

Tonight’s episode started with Suzie and Royce meeting up to play tennis. When Suzie complimented Royce on her sporty attire, Royce replied, “Venus and Serena wear shorts, I’m trying to be like them.” She clearly showed how flawed this logic was when she missed more balls than she actually hit.

While they were playing (or attempting to…) Royce revealed she wanted to get all the ladies to sit down and talk in the near future to get to the bottom of the drama that’s been going around the group.

Evelyn and Shawnie met up on the beach to discuss Evelyn’s newfound desire to have twin boys. Evelyn is Chad Ochocinco (a football player’s) fiancée. Since twins don’t run in either of their families (her logic, not mine), she’s having a consultation with an in-vitro specialist to see if it’s possible. She tells Shawnie how nervous she is because she doesn’t know anything about the procedure (but more on that later).

Royce decides to throw a pool party for all her dancer friends to meet her new boyfriend Brian. I had to feel sorry for the party’s attendees; they clearly had no idea that cameras would be there, otherwise they would have worn bathing suits that actually fit the way they were supposed to, covering the appropriate body parts, right? RIGHT? But that doesn’t explain why they danced the way they did once they saw the cameras were there…

Chad and Evelyn go on a walk where she reveals would rather have kids than a new pair of Louboutins. Clearly, this woman means business. The couple shows how adorable they are and how well they know each other when they argue over who has better genes (or maybe jeans, it’s hard to tell).

Royce and Brian go to look at dogs since Royce’s recently passed away. Royce made eye contact with a dog that she instantly felt a connection to. She became so emotional at the thought of her old dog that she had to step out of the store and was ready to leave (it’s not clear why she didn’t buy the dog she fell in love with. She went to the dog store to find a dog and fell in love with one, so as to why she wouldn’t buy it right then and there? Your guess is as good as mine). Or maybe, she just wanted to (or the producers told her to) let Brian have his moment to shine. While Royce stood on the street crying (a.k.a. trying to eek out a tear and awkwardly staring at the camera pouting) Brian said he had to “use the restroom.” You know where this is going, right? My dog knew where this was going. Out strolled Brian with the dog Royce fell in love with. “I’ve had people buy me diamonds and take me to fancy dinners, but Brian really proved himself by buying me a dog,” she said. Well, maybe not exactly, Royce. Brian may have paid for the dog, but, lest we forget, you’ll be the one it’s waking up at three in the morning when it needs to go to the bathroom or just wants its belly rubbed. Call me when that happens and let me know if you would have preferred dinner.

Evelyn was then back at the doctor’s office. For the second time, she told us she had no idea how IVF worked. Call me old fashioned, but if I’m going to take the time to make an appointment for a procedure and be talking about it with my friends for days, I’m gonna pop the term into Wikipedia and make sure I know what I’m getting myself into. Not Evelyn. She’s content to have no idea what IVF is until… well, it’s not really clear. She never quite figures it out during this episode (more on that later).

The doctor comes into his office and EXPLAINS WHAT IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION IS STEP BY STEP. She nods like she understands. She finds out the procedure requires sperm from her husband. Shocked and disgusted, she looks around the room like she’s found herself in a Fort Lee Econo Lodge and asks, “He has to give sperm? In here?” As though she expected Chad to sit in a leather swivel chair and make his deposit while the doctor looks over charts across the desk. The doctor offers to her that Chad could always make the deposit at home and then bring it in. This cracks Evelyn up. “How would he do that? Just in a cup or something?” A Rhodes scholar she is not.

Suzie and Royce meet up for ice cream and to chat, except, only Royce eats ice cream and she does so in a way that indicates she doesn’t know you can bite the cone when the ice cream gets too low. So, while Suzie suggests a dinner between all the ladies (which Royce suggested at the beginning of the episode), Royce is too busy using her tongue as a search and rescue instrument, plunging it deep into the cone to find the ice cream, wherever it is down there.

Chad and Evelyn are once again at the IVF doctor. I kid you not, the first thing Evelyn said was, “I brought Chad with me to the doctor because I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW IVF WORKS.” EVELYN. HOW DIFFICULT IS IT?! There’s Google, there’s Bing, there’s Yahoo, there’s the fact that the DOCTOR OUTLINED THE PROCEDURE FOR YOU THE LAST TIME YOU WERE AT HIS OFFICE. Clearly, not getting through. Evelyn begins joking about the weight she’ll put on during her pregnancy. He makes it clear that he won’t be tolerating weight gain and certainly won’t be complimenting her if she puts on extra pounds. I didn’t sense a hint of sarcasm in his voice, but Evelyn complains that he’s always joking around. She doesn’t understand why he can’t ever be serious. She is aware that she’s engaged to marry the man that legally changed his last name from Johnson to Ochocinco (8-5, his football number in Spanish), right? RIGHT?!

Royce’s dad comes over to tell her that he thinks her and Brian are moving too fast. Speaking of Brian, we’re in Royce’s house…where’s the dog he bought her? Nowhere in sight. (I’d be willing to bet there’s a new diamond somewhere in her jewelry chest though.) Royce gets so upset that her dad doesn’t approve of Brian she does that weird crying/staring at the camera thing again. Couldn’t VH1 pay for better acting lessons for these women?

Finally, in the climax of the episode, the ladies meet up for dinner at a crowded outdoor restaurant. I guess I should be clear about what I mean by crowded; we see shots of people packed into other tables, but the four ladies have an entire patio all to themselves with enough space to do a few cartwheels before coming in contact with the next table. The ladies fight over “Girlfriends 101: you don’t follow exes and CERTAINLY don’t talk to them using Twitter.” But, you all knew that already, right?

Basically, Jennifer is going through a divorce and is mad that Royce is still following her husband on Twitter and using it to communicate with him. How this involves Evelyn is anyone’s guess, but before you know it she’s screaming at Royce and before you know it again, she’s throwing a glass at her. Well, not so much at her as at a mark on the floor where the producers told her no one would get hurt but it would still be dramatic enough (I’m just guessing here). Royce throws water in Evelyn’s face and before you can say “STAGE COMBAT,” two security guards have popped out of the bushes and picked the ladies up. They continue to scream at each other but it’s hard to remember what they said when all I could focus on was how crowded the rest of the restaurant was and how lucky the ladies were that no one was sitting in a mile vicinity of their table. It had to be a coincidence right?

The preview for next week’s episode promises another fight at a restaurant and more of Evelyn learning about what IVF is! Should be a great one!

–Scott Galina