Murder, adultery, incest — no one does Easter like the good people of Westeros.
Game of Thrones fans have used many words to describe Melisandre (Carice van Houten) after she made her debut on last week’s season premiere — evil, shady and cryptic come to mind — but the April 8 episode added one more to that already colorful list: slutty! The “priestess” offered herself up to Stannis (Stephen Dillane), promising to deliver him the son his wife never could. And as an added layer of poetry, Stannis wrecked Melisandre on a map of Westeros, sending all the pieces crashing to the floor. Foreshadowing much?
Also troubling: Melisandre told Stannis that sleeping with her was the final step in giving himself over to the “Lord of Light,” which is crucial to him becoming king. I haven’t read the books, but even I know that procreating with a cultish priestess is a terrible, terrible idea. Evil powers aside, just imagine Melisandre’s red hair on a baby.
Meanwhile, Stannis’ most loyal peeps were off enlisting the help of Salladhor, a charming pirate who agreed to lend his fleet of 30 ships to their cause — but only if they promised him lots of gold and Cersei’s (Lena Headey) hoo-hoo.
Speaking of Cersei’s hoo-hoo, things weren’t any less dramatic at Kings’ Landing this week. Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) decided to do a little re-shuffling, exiling Janos (Dominic Carter) and appointing Bronn (Jerome Flynn) as the new commander of the city watch, which didn’t sit well with his sister — or her hoo-hoo.
And because no season of Game of Thrones would be complete without a little incest, Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) took it upon himself to finger his sister on a horse. It was sort of like that scene in Fear where Mark Wahlberg pleasures Reese Witherspoon on the roller coaster — only ten times more traumatic.
In his defense, Theon’s been away from home for years and didn’t know Yara (Gemma Whelan) was his sister, though Lord Greyjoy (Patrick Malahide) was happy to remind him. It turns out Yara will be leading their army, and while I’m sure Theon could have come up with a perfectly good argument against that, he was a little tongue-tied. Getting to third base with your own sister will do that to you.
Over in the Red Waste, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) continued facing opposition from her fellow khals, who remain less-than-cool with the idea of a female ruler. This became pretty clear when Rakharo’s (Elyes Gabel) horse returned to camp… with Rhokaro’s severed head tucked neatly in its saddle bag like the world’s grossest Christmas present. Personally, I wasn’t as opposed to the senseless violence as much as I was against the re-gifting. That’s just tacky.
Lastly, Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) found himself beard-deep in some serious baby mama drama when Gilly (Hannah Murray) — one of Craster’s (Robert Pugh) many unfortunate bride-children — told Sam (John Bradley) she was pregnant and afraid of what would happen if she had a boy. And because Sam is a big bumbling idiot, he got Jon involved in the situation.
Later that night, Jon watched as a baby was delivered in the woods and handed off to someone (or something), before being ambushed by Craster, who knocked him out cold.
Final death count: 1
Final boob count: 8
What did you think of this week’s episode? Sure, it was another hour of mostly talking, but the last few minutes set up some really twisted story lines. Drop your thoughts about what’s to come in the comments section below!