Billie Eilish Shares Personal Struggle With Self Harming & Surviving Depression: It Sent Me ‘Down A Hole’

Courtesy of Petra Collins/Rolling Stone

Billie Eilish was thrust into the public eye at just 14-years-old, & revealed the toll fame has taken on her and her battle with depression in a new cover story for ‘Rolling Stone.’

Billie Eilish, 17, used her latest cover story to get incredibly honest about her mental health struggles, including a history of depression and self-harm. The “Ocean Eyes” singer is the face of Rolling Stone’s August issue and while it celebrates her success, it also sheds light on the singer’s darker days, when she was forced to quit dancing after an injury. “I think that’s when the depression started,” she said. “It sent me down a hole. I went through a whole self-harming phase — we don’t have to go into it. But the gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain,” she recalled in the new interview.

The honest pop star then proceeded to delve deeper into those memories, and admitted there was a time she was scared to spend time by herself. “Every time I was alone, I would break down and kind of crumble,” she says. “It got to the point where my friend would say, ‘I’m going home, see you,’ and I’d get this feeling in my stomach like a knife being twisted around. I felt unsafe with myself, even for an hour,” she said before once again alluding to her self-harm history. “I don’t trust myself when I’m alone.”

However, Billie admits that she’s in a much better place these days, and says that this has been her best year yet. “I haven’t been depressed in a minute, which is great. Seventeen has probably been the best year of my life. I’ve liked 17,” she says in the interview. And while she often sees fans at shows go through similar battles, she’s now able to offer them the same advice she’s given herself. “Sometimes I see girls at my shows with scars on their arms, and it breaks my heart. I don’t have scars anymore because it was so long ago. But I’ve said to a couple of them, ‘Just be nice to yourself.’ Because I know. I was there,” she explains.

Billie may have risen to fame practically overnight thanks to the success of “Ocean Eyes,” but she’s learning to grapple with fame in a healthier way these days, she admits. “I have a job that doesn’t allow me to break down. I can’t go cry somewhere, I can’t go scream and be mad. I have to work,” she tells the publication, before saying she turned to therapy last year.

As fans know, 2019 has been especially eventful for Billie, who just released a song with her biggest idol, Justin Bieber. The Biebs turned up on the singer’s “Bad Guy” remix on July 11, a long-time dream for the pop star, who has been a fan of Bieber since she was a young girl. It’s no wonder that that Billie said that 17 has been the best year of her life!