I knew Sookie’s parents were racist, but were they also murderers? Probably, yeah.
Let’s start this week’s recap with a few rhetorical questions: Why does Sookie (Anna Paquin) keep digging into her past? Hasn’t she learned by now that the more questions she asks, the more people come out of the woodworks to kill her? Oh, who am I kidding? This is Sookie we’re talking about; she’s a big fairy dumb-dumb who gets off putting herself, and others, in harm’s way — which explains why the July 14 episode of True Blood ended with her being drowned in a damn lake.
Rewinding a bit… Warlow (Rob Kazinsky) told Sookie that when he killed her parents, it was only to stop them from killing her. It turns out he came to Mr. and Mrs. Stackhouse with his intentions to turn Sookie into a vampire, but they didn’t like what he was selling; and because they worshipped at the First Church of Crazy, they saw only one solution: drive their daughter to the nearest and lake and drown her. You know, to save her “soul.”
A sane human — or fairy-human, whatever — would have left it at that. But not Sookie. She had Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) channel her parents’ spirits for validation, a plan that ended the way all of Sookie’s plans end: very badly. Long story short, La-La threw Sookie into the trunk of his car, drove her down to that same lake and played ‘Drown My Daughter.’ Round two.
A New War-Low
This week’s episode also gave us a peek into Warlow’s past, and my body simply was not ready. For starters, Bill (Stephen Moyer) can command Warlow because Lilith made him, and she’s now inside Bill — everybody always has someone inside them on this show, don’t they? — and Bill is helping Warlow to realize his destiny. What destiny, you ask?
Cue the weirdest, most ridiculous flashback True Blood has ever served up: We got to see the first time Cave-Lilith met Cave-Warlow, and the wacky cave-sex that followed. Basically, Lilith gave Warlow a good sniff, told him he was “destined to save vampire kind,” then hopped on his fairy stick for a wild ride. (Side note: Lilith has a surprisingly jiggly butt.)
We also saw that Warlow spared one member of his fairy tribe — baby Niall, naturally — before running off to Lilith’s cave and burning her in the sun.
(Dear, True Blood: No more cave-time flashbacks, please. I know it’s better to show than tell, but not at the risk of looking so damn silly.)
In a poorly-planned attempt to save Pam (Kristin Bauer Van Straten) from the LAVDF, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and Tara (Rutina Wesley) turned themselves over to the authorities, essentially agreeing to serve them as lab rats. On the upside to this potentially fatal move, we finally got our first look at the “camp” where all of the vampires are being taken, and it’s pretty freakin’ terrible. You know, aside from all the crazy vampire sex. That, my friends, has much scientific importance!
Through a series of tests, Eric proved himself to be the kick-all-asses-take-no-names vampire we’ve always know him to be — until his final task, which found him pitted against none other than Pamela Swynford De Beaufort. Who will make the first move? Will either of them? Time will tell!
In the meantime, I’m just enjoying the vampires’ ranking system. Steve Newlin (Michael McMillian) is such a four.
Jason & Sarah’s Holy Humping
I’d like to take a minute to thank True Blood for bringing back one of the show’s best staples: Jason Stackhouse naked! Seriously, the past two weeks have been full of naked Jason, and the fans have been very thankful.
This week’s naked adventures found Jason (Ryan Kwanten) bumping beautifuls with Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp), who straight-up told him, “God wants me to f**k you.” It wasn’t exactly a traditional come-on, but it’s really more about the destination than the journey, I guess.
Odds & Ends — Mostly Odds.
1. I’m not writing about the werewolves anymore. At all. I believe that if we ignore them, they’ll just go away.
2. Same goes for Sam and that girl with the big hair.
3. Which fairy did Andy save? Do any of them have names yet, or are they all still numbers?
4. When Jessica tried to hook up with Bill, I almost threw up in my mouth.
5. What’s worse: That Terry wants his friend to kill him, or that I hope he’s successful?
HollywoodLifers, what did you think of this week’s episode? Who will save Sookie this time? And what about Pam and Eric? Drop a comment with your reviews and predictions.
— Andy Swift