'Bridezilla's Recap — Crazy Women Find Doormat Men. Again.

Mon, June 27, 2011 8:20am EDT by 1 Comment

Seriously, who is still marrying these women?

Bride to be Kym, 30, from Windermere, Fla. has met the man of her dreams in High, 31, the manager at an area movie theater. They met at a pool hall, when Kym saw the “kinda hot” High in his glasses drinking red wine. Four years later, the two are getting married in Kym’s dream ceremony.

Unfortunately for High, that means cutting off his shoulder-length hippy locks into Kym’s professional looking fantasy. Though he admits that growing up kids thought he looked like he had “gotten run over by lawn mower” because of his hair, Kym pushes for a short cut leading him to not only look like a woman, but to feel like his “power is gone.” How romantic.

Ditching the newly sheared High, she visits her just out of beauty school makeup artist, whose work she’s never seen. Deciding her bridesmaid’s makeup should be “blah” she selects a stunning grey on grey on grey palette, which maid of honor Michelle hates. Choosing a more classic, romantic and delicately “hooker-like” makeup look for herself, Kym decides that she dislikes her dark eyes and penciled on eyebrows for their “simplicity” as soon as the artist finishes.

Driving to choose a cake just days before the ceremony, Kym threatens to smack Michelle’s daughter (who’s also her flower girl) and chooses a chocolate demi-cake. But, bigger issues come up when shockingly her vendors expect to be paid, and she has no money.

Enjoying a family outing, Kym, who has been dieting for eight months (though it doesn’t show) demands more meatballs and for her father to pay the church the extra $800 she stills owes. Though her father says that he’s “not Rockefeller,” we have to wait until next week to see if Kym’s wedding will reach a “High” point.

Returning to last week’s bride, Gabby, 25, continues to battle with wedding planner Curlinda but blows off steam with one seriously creepy bachelorette party. Drinking out of plastic test tubes, the blindfolded bride is surprised by a cowboy themed stripper named Panther. A true jungle cat, Panther wows Gabby with a series of moves including the: Moroccan Back Bend, Thunder Squat, Snack Attack, Lazy Susan, Peek-a-Boo and the “piece de resistance,” the Inverted Flaming Cobra – all while wearing crotch-less leather pants. Gabby ends the evening by taking Panther into a backroom and giving him what looks like a peek-a-boo of her own.

Finally reaching her wedding day, she continues to berate her “whipping girl”/bridesmaid Candice and her horrifying blue eye shadow. But, with the news that her photographer has been in a car accident, Gabby is concerned only about a replacement.

Finding one just in time, the ladies stop for photos en route to the church. Two hours late for her own ceremony, antsy guests and even the groom start thinking she’s a no-show. But, the Bridezilla arrives and aside from a bouquet lacking gardenias the wedding goes off without any problems. Gabby’s advice for brides to be? “This is your day and you need to get yours.”

-Alyssa Carroll

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Poetry

Posted at 12:29 AM on April 6, 2012  

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