This season of ‘The Bachelor’ will feature weekly blogs by the one and only villain, Chad Johnson. Here’s his week five break down!
Episode five of The Bachelor starts off with drama right out of the gate as Corinne and Taylor argue about who is a worse person. This is one of those conversations that in real life would make zero sense… Like, “Let’s put two people who hate each other together on a chair, and have each of them try to give their best argument to each other as to who is the bigger scumbag.” Fantastic!
I must say, it’s much easier to just threaten to punch your enemies in the face and then walk away, but I know more than anyone, that your social media feed would in turn, be blown up with “violence is never the answer,” from old ladies who have apparently never lived in the real world. I’m not sure whether it’s the boringness of the current season or the fact that the background music of the show is so loud that you can barely hear the ladies speaking, that is responsible for myself having no clue as to how the scenes transition. But also to be fair, I mostly just stare at my Twitter on my phone throughout the entire show.
See You In Paradise, Ladies
With that being said, next time I look up I see Sarah crying — apparently Nick sent Sarah and Astrid home. Really bro? I see that you have chosen to send two of the hottest chicks home to prove to America that your choices are not about looks. Well played Nick. But fine, that’s good; more for me! See you in Paradise, Sarah and Astrid (winky face).
[Look down at Twitter, looks back up at screen] Now Rachel is on a date with Nick at what appears to be Mardi Gras or something cultural, just to let America know that Nick respects all races and all cultures — how gentlemanly of him. He eats a powdery donut, which looks delicious and makes me so hungry I consider going to the grocery store to buy cheesecake, but I can’t since I’m on a diet so I stay in my seat and watch Nick chew with his mouth open and make out with Rachel multiple times.
[Looks down at Twitter, looks back up] Boom, next scene: Nick is with either all of the girls or half the girls (I don’t know or care) at a haunted plantation mansion where they walk around and pretend to be scared for what seems like 45 minutes of the episode.
2-On-1 . . . On Voodoo
Boom, the date’s date over! Taylor and Corinne prepare for their 2 on 1. Taylor meditates with candles surrounding her in front of a full body mirror, because apparently she is a weird person, while Corinne takes a bubble bath and orders room service because apparently she is like totally supes high class. They begin their date in what appears to be a swamp/forest; strangely enough there happens to be a voodoo doctor lady sitting at a dinner table in the middle of the woods.. While Corinne gets to hang with Nick first, Taylor speaks to said voodoo lady and basically the lady tells her that someone is bad mouthing her, which is crazy ironic because that’s what Corinne is doing!
While Taylor is in the middle of her enlightening meeting with voodoo lady, Corinne tells Nick that Taylor is condescending and bad mouthing her and then they make out. Next up, Corinne switches with Taylor and begins taking with voodoo lady who ironically, tells Corinne that someone is also bad mouthing her as well. Corinne plays it off, and is like “Cool, but lemme get a voodoo doll like for real”. Corinne gets her voodoo doll and all the while, Taylor has to explain herself to Nick, knowing good and well that he is sending her home, because not only is Nick not attracted to her, but production has required Nick to keep Corinne around for ratings despite the fact that he wants to send her home; he knows how much backlash he will receive on Instagram for keeping around the “bad girl.”
Will Taylor Work The Chad Route?
At the end of the date, Nick gives Corinne the rose, and Taylor gets sad because her Instagram following has now been cut off at only episode five. Unfortunately, “Taylor don’t play dat,” so after being booted off the show, she comes back to confront Nick. We are left not knowing whether Taylor will play the sympathy card to get America to like her on episode six and try to pick up an extra 8-12k followers that like her, or if she’ll work that “Chad route,” milking the bad girl role, and shoot for an extra 5-9k followers of whom 50 percent actually only follow her just to tell her how much they hate her. For now that is all and that’s where this story ends… Episode six is sure to present us with more super cultural dates and more of Nick’s lip super glued to his upper gums.