Bachelor Ben Higgins, when you met your 28th prospective wives last night, Jan. 4, you were blown away by their beauty. BUT how about their bizarre behavior? How can you find a bride amongst these kooks?
Bachelor Ben Higgins, it must have been close to impossible to get a sense of 28 personalities in your first evening cocktail with your collection of bachelorettes. And of course, being a guy, it’s understandable that your first instinct was pretty much to simply drool at the sight of 28 slim beauties with boatloads of long, glossy hair. Twenty-eight stunners vying for every second of your attention, including a set of identical blonde twins, must be every man’s dream.
However, if you are genuinely on TV as The Bachelor to find a real-life wife, the producers of the show sure haven’t made it easy for you. Aside from the fact that you have a gaggle of nonstop gigglers — something that should be annoying in itself for a 27-year-old software salesman (this is, after all, not high school) — you have a huge percentage of kooks in your bachelorette crowd. Can we talk about Lace, who you let through the first round, who’s already obsessively stalking your every move? She confronted you about not making eye contact during the Rose Ceremony. This is not a woman that you could conceivably have a life with.
Neither could you possibly ever live with “chicken enthusiast”, Tiara, who goes nowhere without her pet chicken…nowhere. Nor can you settle down with Maegan, a young woman who has to bring her mini pony with her everywhere, including to your opening night cocktail. Talk about baggage. Oh, and speaking of baggage, cross Mandi, the dentist who walked out of the limo with a massive fake rose on her head, off your list.She insisted on examining your teeth at the party. “I hope you floss,” she told you. “I never kiss a guy who doesn’t floss.” Nice pickup line, Mandi. NOT!
Next, you have to x off the onesie and the unicorn head girl off your potential wife list. Who knows why they thought wearing bizarre outfits and accessories was a good idea? Oh, and then there are the blonde identical twins, Haley and Emily, who finish each other’s sentences. These girls were so busy feeding into titillating guy fantasies about twins that they made no move to distinguish themselves as individuals. Now, Ben, you can’t marry both of them, unless you want to become a Kody Brown-style bigamist, so you need to axe them off your potential wife list, too.
I get that ABC needs to have an entertaining show. I get that they need drama. But most important for the franchise is that they must have a successful romance. They need an engagement at the end of season 20, and they need a wedding. When the Bachelor finishes the season still being a…bachelor, it hurts the show’s brand more than anything. Above all, readers tune in because they want a happy ending. They want a real romance that they can imagine happening to them.
With Ben Higgins’ large collection of kooks, plus a mom of 2 and a virgin, it stacks the deck against that happy ending. Nothing against single moms or virgins, but realistically, is Ben really going to be ready after two months of dating anyone, to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood with Amanda or deflowering Becca? Probably not. Ok, so that eliminates almost a third of Ben’s bachelorettes. And can I also point out that it’s kind of lame that Olivia quit her dream job as a TV anchor just to vy for your heart Ben? That may have flattered you, and yes, you gave her your first impression rose, but it doesn’t bode well for a real wife. Do you actually want to marry a woman that would give up her dream career, just for the chance to meet you? Sorry, but that’s nutty, too!
So good luck, Ben, with your marriage hopes. Unfortunately, the odds may be majorly stacked against you. The last thing we want as viewers is another indecisive Juan Pablo or a Chris Soules, whose engagement crashes and burns just weeks after publicly choosing his woman.
Hollywoodlifers — are you not impressed by Ben’s bachelorette nutbars? Let me know.