Oh, ‘The Bachelorette,’ how I’ve missed you so. After a short hiatus, the show returned on June 16 and saw Andi and her bachelors travel to their first legitimately romantic location, where a male bimbo opened his heart.
The middle of nowhere Connecticut was beautiful and exciting and all (no it wasn’t), but I was glad to see Andi Dorfman and her 11 remaining bachelors hop on a plane and jet to the south of France on the June 16 episode. Now this is the cookie-cutter romance I’ve been looking for!
‘The Bachelorette’: The Bachelors Mime Their Love For Andi
Ehrm, well, sort of. Apparently the most romantic thing about French culture Andi could think of was miming — because that’s what she made nine of her bachelors do. Hot?
This date somehow made me, a 25-year-old man, long for the days when the bachelors spent group dates in thongs stripping. Apparently the only guy who felt the same was Nick V., who sulked his ass off while everyone else made a fool of themselves in front of all of Marseilles. Nick V. had played the game of The Bachelorette flawlessly up to this point — so seeing him act like such a baby was pretty surprising.
During the nighttime portion of the date, JJ took Andi aside for an impromptu ferris wheel ride. (THANK GOD their ferris wheel car randomly had a camera installed on it, am I right?) I really can’t stand the pantsapreneur, but he did take a page out of Ryan Atwood’s book on this one, so I have to give credit where credit’s due.
While Ryan and Marissa were out having their moment, Cody finally came to the forefront by airing his grievances with Nick! Apparently all the guys had a problem with how arrogant Nick acts, Cody was just the one brave enough to say it first. And after Nick tried to defend himself by acting more arrogant and smug, Cody got real ratchet and took things to a level of aggressive bro-ness that I don’t think Nick was prepared to go to.
Cody! You animal! Where did this come from!? I love you now.
OF COURSE Nick had an ace up his sleeve to bring him back to life though — an absurd poem that he wrote all by himself. I’m not going to write anymore about this because I wanna pretend like I never had to hear him recite that freaking thing.
Josh Murray & Andi Sittin’ In A Tree…
Andi had a one-on-one date that went better. She finally decided to stop stealing makeouts with Josh M. and ramp it up to full-on sexy time — they took a stroll around Marseille, sailed around the Mediterranean, and dined at Palais Longchamp.
Josh is a (former) pro baseball player (don’t look up his stats if you don’t want to laugh), so he knows a lot about gameplay and strategy. His strategy during this season has been to flash his abnormally white teeth and laugh until Andi goes weak in the knees and lets him jam his tongue down her throat. This strategy continued on the one-on-one date.
Don’t get me wrong though, Josh definitely opened up a little… about sports, like how he sucks at golf and tennis and how he was drafted in the second round. “I would much rather be here than playing ball,” said Josh, as if it was entirely his decision to not make it to the major leagues. Then he and Andi made out a lot.
To give the guy a little credit though, he did open up as much as his brain allowed at dinner, and in a roundabout way he basically told Andi he loved her.
Amidst everything else that happened in this episode, Andi also had a one-on-one cooking date with high school basketball coach Brian, which was an absolute DUD. But what else would you expect from a guy who made a half-court shot on the first try and didn’t even go in for the kiss?
‘The Bachelorette’: Andrew Gets Racist On Marquel?
The thing that probably bothered me the most about The Bachelorette taking off a week was that we were just getting to the emergence of a villain — by that I mean Andrew, the guy who allegedly got another girl’s number on a group date.
Andrew was at the center of yet another controversy, as JJ (remember, JJ was the dude who snitched on Andrew the first time) revealed to Marquel that after Andi picked him and Ron, another African-American contestant, in the first rose ceremony, Andrew said, “Whoa, she gave it to the two blackies.” This was obviously a problem for Marquel, regardless of whether the “not that drunk” JJ was only pretty sure that Andrew said “blackies” and not “black guys.”
Marquel finally addressed the racist remark at the end of the group date (I don’t know why, but he actually did it in front of the rest of the guys). Andrew obviously acted completely shocked at the accusation — What’s he gonna say? “Yep, that was me!” — and proceeded to go on an equal rights rant while JJ sat glowering in the corner. “I’ll let everyone else judge him on how he responded. Maybe he did say it, maybe he didn’t say it,” Marquel (appropriately) resolved after the talk.
I’m stuck in that middle ground too, because on one hand Andrew seems like a pretty slimy dude who can’t be trusted. But on the other hand, it’s really fishy to me that JJ has all this intel on one guy that he slowly continues to leak out. You don’t become a pantsapreneur by NOT making up stories about the other pantsapreneurs to bring them down.
Andi Gets Down To Business & Cuts Three Guys
But what the truth really is doesn’t even matter. After cutting the cocktail party short (a move that every Bachelorette has pulled but which Andi acted like she innovated), Andi sent home the villainous Andrew AND Marquel. Both parties! I’m so pissed things worked out even better for JJ than he could’ve expected. I take it back — he did not deserve that Ryan Atwood comparison!
Along with Marquel and that possibly racist, possibly philandering bachelor, Andi also cut Patrick, a guy who had absolutely zero impact on the show. All accusations aside, I’m not surprised at all that Andrew got sent home, and I’m even less surprised that Patrick got the boot, but I do think Marquel was a pretty stand-up guy, and he dressed better than anyone else in the house, which I think is a pretty big deal. That little sweetheart is easily my first choice for next Bachelor right now.
But with those three cuts, we’re definitely down to the nitty-gritty, and it’s about to get really real y’all. See you in Florence!
— Andrew Gruttadaro