It’s a double serving of ‘The Bachelorette’ this week! Kicking things off, a little Boyz II Men (yes, really), a little kissing, and even a little man-on-man crime.
Last week on The Bachelorette, we separated the guys who wanna marry Andi Dorfman from the ones who just wanted to get blackout drunk and jump in pools with their clothes on (sup, Craig!). But there are still a few pretenders who need to be weeded out (*cough* Tasos *cough*), so let’s fire up the dates and get to work!
Nick V.: Andi’s Mr. Perfect
See ya later, Los Angeles — Andi headed to Santa Barbara this week, which is… just over an hour and a half away from LA. Serious road trip!
The first guy to get a one-on-one trip to Santa Barbara was smushed-face Nick, a.k.a. Mr. First Impression Rose, a.k.a. the guy who’s been ON FIRE in these first weeks. He and Andi had a “normal date” that consisted of a bike ride along the beach and a hike up a mountain, because no date on The Bachelorette can ever JUST take place on a beach.
Right after we saw Andrew and Marcus questioning if Nick is “trusting the process” (because The Bachelorette process is so inherently easy to trust), Nick spilled his guts to Andi about how he’s a little skeptical and apprehensive. His honesty paid off, as did his admission that he’s crushing like a 12-year-old schoolboy. Perhaps encouraged by the wine they inexplicably brought along their hiking date, Andi and Nick cuddled romantically as the sun set.
Then at dinner, where Andi and Nick switched from white to red wine, smushed-face Nick continued to say all the right things. He’s definitely on-point, but he might be a little too on-point. Regardless, by the end of the date Nick secured another pre-ceremony rose — but more importantly, he also locked down his first kiss(es) with Andi.
‘Bachelorette’ Boys Can’t Sing
Alright, let’s take a break from the mushy-gushy romance of one-on-one dates for a little group date antics, courtesy of… Boyz II Men? To all you nineties kids, how old did this make you feel?
Opera singer Bradley got super cocky for this date because, have you heard, he’s a singer. But La Traviata‘s a long way from “I’ll Make Love To You.” When it came time to actually perform in front of thousands of people, Bradley literally made a toddler wish she had never been born.
Other guys fared a little better. Eric obviously rose to the occasion, Josh M. made the most out of forgetting the words, and Cody just had a really great time by himself. But I have a larger question — do you think the audience was mad that these tone-deaf guys sang what is arguably Boyz II Men’s most popular song? At least they didn’t butcher “Motown Philly” too, I guess.
Anyways, back at the hotel, Andi bonded with Cody (her “you have a girlfriend” prank was amazing) while Eric tried to cement his connection, and Marcus got his first kiss. But the real winner was Josh, who tongued the crap out of Andi, had a weird whisper-y conversation with her, and then got the pre-ceremony rose.
Unfortunately no one did tequila shots and got escorted off the date (I Heart Craig 4ever).
JJ Grows Old With Andi
JJ, who let me remind you, is a “pantsaprenuer,” got the other one-on-one date this episode, which involved him and Andi getting turned into an elderly couple. Because Andi wants a guy she can grow old with, get it? No but really, DO YOU GET IT?
JJ and Andi went to a park and preceded to waddle around, ride scooters, talk with gravely voices, and even imitate Parkinson’s. I didn’t expect to be offended by the whole thing, but by golly, I was. Almost as offended as when JJ, old person makeup and all, stole a kiss from Andi on a tire swing.
Hey Andi, you kissed FOUR GUYS in this episode!
One Guy Goes Home, Two Guys Get Sent Home
Before the rose ceremony, some bad news — the little-shown Ron got a sad phone call telling him that a close friend had passed away. It’s too bad that he had to go, but his exit was surprisingly drama-free, and unfortunately I don’t think Andi’s going to miss him.
The real rose ceremony drama came when JJ and Josh M. confronted Andrew to ask him if he was there for the right reasons — a classic Bachelorette move, by the way — because he apparently got a hostess’ number on the first group date? Andrew, who was making the same accusations about smushed-face Nick earlier, basically said, “Look over there!” and ran to his room while JJ and Josh’s backs were turned. But he later came downstairs from hiding and told everyone that yes, a woman gave him her number unprompted (because that happens?) but that he wasn’t bragging about it. No one believed him — the whole time every other guy was like, “Umm, yeah, you totally were, bro.”
But what Andi doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt her — in the end she still gave Andrew a rose, much to JJ and Josh M.’s chagrin. And with Andrew sticking around, the less fortunate ones turned out to be Brett the hairstylist, who was only ever memorable for having a faux-mullet, and Bradley, who is a terrible opera singer.
Now I really can’t wait until one guy snitches on Andrew — that’s gonna be awesome. Thankfully I won’t have to wait long — there’s another new episode tomorrow!!!
— Andrew Gruttadaro