Two new matches were introuced this week — but neither of them really matches up.
Does anyone know of a good therapist in Westeros? Because after the April 28 episode of Game Of Thrones, I’m pretty sure everyone in the Lannister family could use one. In an attempt to stop the Tyrells from “stealing” the North from him, Tywin proposed — OK, more like ordered — that Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) marry Sansa (Sophie Turner), and that Cersei (Lena Headey) give her hand to Loras. Yeah, that Loras. The gay one.
For those of you keeping score at home, this means Cersei will now have to go from sleeping with her brother to sleeping with her gay husband. The whole twisted plan came about after one of Little Finger’s slutty spies slept with Loras and learned of his intentions to marry Sansa. Little Finger then told Cersei, who never could have expected how epically the whole thing would blow up in her face.
(Side note: That sex scene between Loras and the slutty squire might have been the steamiest moment on GoT thus far. Am I wrong? I’ve been wrong before.)
Jaime Comes Clean
Let me just say that Jaime (Nikolaj Coster Waldau) and Brienne’s (Gwendoline Christie) scenes together this week gave me so much fodder for my ‘Braime’ fan-fiction Tumblr. I mean, you know, if I were to make such a thing.
Now in the care of Sir Bolton, the will-they-won’t-they couple shared a steamy bath — and a few steamy secrets. Jaime swore on his one good hand that he never wanted to be known as “The Kingslayer.” He was merely following orders, horrific orders he wished he could have refused.
In a fit of rage, Brienne also flashed her boobies, which Jaime seemed to enjoy quite a bit.
Arya Sees — And Turns — Red
Speaking of rage, Arya (Maisie Williams) was none too pleased that The Hound defeated Beric in battle — and was even more surprised to see Beric resurrected by the Lord of Light right in front of her eyes!
But all that went to the back of her mind during her chat with Gendry. After he told her he planned to stay behind with the Smiths, she pleaded with him to stay with her. She offered to become his new family, to which he responded, “You wouldn’t be my family. You’d be … my lady.”
Oh, s**t! Romance!
Snow Gets Plowed
But Arya wasn’t the only ‘Stark’ with a little romance in her life this week. Beyond the wall, Jon Snow (Kit Harington) and Ygritte finally made hot nasty love. Only it wasn’t nasty, it was beautiful.
It required Jon to break his sacred vow to the Night’s Watch, but one look at Ygritte in the flesh — and I do mean that — purged that nonsense from Jon’s mind. He dove in, mouth first, and it was wonderful.
Daenerys Plays The Name Game
We didn’t see very much of Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) this week, unfortunately, but what we did see was pretty interesting. Sort of. She told her Unsullied warriors to give themselves new names, but one — who goes by the charming name “Grey Worm” — said he liked his name, because it was the one he had when she freed him.
We also saw a bit of dissension growing in Daenerys’ ranks. Sir Barriston — who just joined the crew, so he’s got some balls doing this — told Jorah that his reputation in Westeros isn’t what it used to be, so it’d be best if he started keeping his distance from the khaleesi. Needless to say, Sir Barriston’s suggestion was met with plenty of handsome sass.
Stannis’ Beautiful Beast
This week’s episode also gave us an unexpected, and some would say unwanted, glimpse into Stannis’ (Stephen Dillane) family life. We got to watch a super-awkward exchange between Stannis and his wife, in which he began to tell her he’d cheated on her with Melisandre (Carice van Houten) — only it turns out the Red Priestess had already beat him to it. And his wife was fine with it!
Then we met Stannis’ daughter, who is adorable. But her face is gross, so apparently they keep her locked in a tiny cell. I’m sure we’ll find out more about that in the coming weeks.
HollywoodLifers, what did you think of this week’s episode? Do you think Tyrion and Cersei will go through with their weddings? And what’s to become of poor, one-handed Jaime? Drop a comment with your review of the episode and your predictions for the rest of season three!
— Andy Swift