The girls broke into Ashley’s home and found an entire wall of Liam pictures — they actually filmed on location in my apartment — as well as evidence leading them to the basement of the Offshore, where Liam was being held. “Who’s the psycho skank now?” Vanessa asked, to which I thought, “Eh… still you, kind of.”
When Liam wasn’t grunting and wiggling around sexfully, Ashley was making all kinds of crazy threats, like she was going to ship him in a box to Mexico — lucky Mexicans! — but it wasn’t long before they were interrupted by the girls’ arrival.
Now here’s where things got really crazy: Vanessa started to run away as the police arrived, but Ashley pulled a gun on her, and Annie jumped in to save the day! Unfortunately for Annie, this also meant getting shot, so the episode ended with my favorite Wilson — sorry Jessica Walter — bleeding out on the ground.
Fed up with the boys in their lives, Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes) and Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord) went on a Thelma & Louise-style road trip to hunt down their very own versions of Brad Pitt — and I’m talking sexy 1991 cowboy Brad Pitt, not crazy 2012 cologne-commercial Brad Pitt. Sadly, their little trip quickly became a naked disaster, as a crew of rebel rednecks stole their clothes. [Insert a joke about how the show’s two skankiest girls ended up naked in public. Again.]
After managing to scrounge up some old hippie clothes — kudos to writer Allen Clary for acknowledging that Ivy (Gillian Zinser) actually existed — the girls made their way to a biker bar, a journey that led them to two very different destinations. While Adrianna cozied up to a biker stud named Billy (J.R. Ramirez), Naomi had a heart-to-heart with a hillbilly, which inspired her to seek comfort in the arms of a very unlikely source: her mom!
I say Naomi’s mom is an unlikely source because, let’s face it, most of these kids forgot they ever had parents to begin with. But good old Tracy (Christina Moore) — who looks more like Naomi’s older sister than her mom, let’s be real — actually had some legit words of wisdom for her wayward daughter: Maybe Max (Josh Zuckerman) isn’t the guy for her, after all. Naomi’s got some serious thinking to do, which as we all know, is never easy for her.
Silver’s Not-So-Brilliant Baby Plan
Silver’s (Jessica Stroup) baby storyline also took a dark, and surprisingly litigious, turn this week. After telling Teddy (Trevor Donovan) she didn’t want him and Shane to co-parent the baby with her — because God forbid that baby should have three beautiful parents — Silver went to Teddy’s uncle for help. Little did she know, she was opening up a can of worms. Homophobic worms!
Uncle Gaybasher went on a rant about how Teddy and Shane will never be a “real family” with any baby, then swore he would order the embryos frozen or “destroyed.” I assume he got that idea from an episode of The 700 Club.
But because Silver is a saucier minx than anyone could have anticipated — and possibly because she hasn’t been taking her bipolar meds again — she forged Teddy’s signature to waive parental rights. So basically, Silver’s backed herself into a lose-lose situation. It’s a good thing that baby’s going to be gorgeous, because it’s also going to be messed up.
Dixon & Adrianna’s Ex Games Heat Up
After Megan (Jessica Parker Kennedy) broke up with Dixon (Tristan Wilds) because he clearly still has feelings for Adrianna, the Ade-ster crashed his Rita Ora concert with her skeevy new man-friend in tow.
What’s to become of these two?!
(Side note: Let’s talk about Rita Ora. … She’s really just Rihanna in a wig, right? Either way, it was totally crazy how the song she was singing just happened to reflect what Dixon and Adrianna were feeling about each other. Rita Ora is magic, it seems.)
Did you love this episode as much as I did? Are you hoping Annie’s accident will bring her closer to Liam? And do you think Naomi should stay with Max, or move on? Drop me a comment with your personal review of the episode!
— Andy Swift
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