Daenerys and her dragon babies were mostly MIA this week, and in their place we got a double dose of incest! (But that really a fair trade?)
Picking up right where we left off last week, the April 15 episode of Game of Thrones found a bloody Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) reeling from his surprise attack — and his surprise discovery. As if damaging Jon’s face wasn’t enough of a crime against nature, it was revealed that Craster has been feeding all of his grandsons to the White Walkers as “offerings!” Worse yet, Jon seems to be the only one who cares.
In other happy family news, Theon (Alfie Allen) remained the grumpiest of Greyjoys as his father decided to give 30 ships to Yara (Gemma Whelan) but only 1 to him. This led to a whole hissy fit of the usual Theon problems, including: “Dad, why did you give me up as a baby?” and “Sister, why did you let me pleasure you on a horse last week?” It all ended in a baptism that solidified Theon’s alliance to his family — as if getting to third base with his sister didn’t already do that.
Come to think of it, Theon and Yara’s incestuous relationship is straight out of Cruel Intensions — only far less attractive.
But believe it or not, the Greyjoys only have the second most twisted family life in Westeros compared to Renley Baratheon (Gethin Anthony) and his revolving door of sexual siblings. We already knew he and Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones) were enjoying each other on the down low, but what we didn’t know was that Loras’ sister — and Renley’s new bride — is all in favor of their little arrangement. Margaery (Natalie Dormer) even offered to bring Loras back into their bedroom to get Renley “started,” or as an equally disturbing option, Renley could just have sex with her from behind and pretend she was her brother. Either way, Margaery wanted a baby, whether Renley’s downstairs-y parts liked it or not.
Meanwhile, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) was busy playing tiny detective over at King’s Landing. By telling three different people three different stories about his plans to marry off Myrcella (Aimee Richardson), he determined that not only had Grand Maester Pycelle (Julian Glover) been spying on him for Cersei (Lena Headey), but he also had prior knowledge of John Arryn’s death! This injustice was punished by the stripping of Pycelle’s majestic beard, which I assume he’d been carefully grooming for the past century. That thing was Biblically long.
Of course, this was all part of Tyrion’s plan to get the upper-hand against his sister, who’s been out to get him as of late. He even took the necessary precautions to keep his whore a secret from her. (Oh, Tyrion, who would look out for the whores if you weren’t around?)
Despite his innocence this week, I still don’t trus Varys (Conleth Hill). Something about eunuchs just doesn’t sit well with me.
As far as Game of Thrones episodes go, things seemed pretty tame up to this point — but as always, that’s when everything took a turn for the worst. Arya’s (Maisie Williams) merry band of travelers was infiltrated by the king’s men again, which triggered a horrific bloodbath, ending in the sword-in-the-head death of Yoran. And all the kids were taken away.
The upside? Arya was able to convince the king’s men they had also accidentally killed Gendry (Joe Dempsie) in the fray, thus sparing his life.
At least for one more day.
Oh! And Bran has been dreaming about being a wolf, but was told they were “gone from the world.” As someone who’s never read the book — but enjoys a good/weird wolf story — I feel like this could go in a very cool direction.
FINAL DEATH COUNT: Up for debate, but I’m going with 7 (not counting Pycelle’s heavenly beard)
FINAL BOOB COUNT: A respectable 4
What did you think of this week’s turn of events? Who was the stand-out M.V.P. of the episode in your mind? And were you as grossed out by that little head-in-sword action as I was? Hit up the comments section with your thoughts on all things Westeros.