'Basketball Wives' Recap: Evelyn Gets Foul Mouthed & Out of Control At A Polo Match!

Louboutins! Sting operations! Polo on the beach! Another fight?! What happened on this week’s Basketball Wives? You’ve come to the right place to find out!

The episode began with Royce recounting last week’s fight to Ashley. “I’m not ghetto, but I’m hood,” she told her. I’m sure there are people in this world that understand that statement, but I’m not among them. Would anyone care to explain? Eventually Suzie joined them, and went in to full-on Dr. Phil mode, trying to point out what everyone’s emotional state was during the fight and where she stood on the matter. Excruciating is a little harsh, but it wasn’t pleasant to listen to.

Next we saw Evelyn and Jennifer at the spa, also recalling the fight with each other. Evelyn tells Jennifer that she was “done with the conversation,” so she doesn’t remember what exactly prompted her to throw the glass at Royce. I guess we have different definitions of being “done with a conversation,” because, and call me crazy here, when I’m done with a conversation, I walk away. I can guarantee you’ll never find me ending a conversation only to turn around and chuck a glass of water at the person I was “done” talking to. But hey, I’m not a “Basketball Wife,” so what the hell do I know? Evelyn went on to tell Jennifer that Royce is “not Mother Mary.” I know it’s easy to confuse the two, what with all of the pool-side altercations Mother Mary got into with her girlfriends, but make no mistake, ROYCE IS NOT MOTHER MARY. Thanks for clearing that up, Evelyn.

Suzie and Jennifer go wine shopping (well, they kind of just stand in the wine shop talking to each other and running their fingers over the bottles). Suzie tells Jennifer that Jennifer’s ex, Eric, has been reaching out to her over Twitter. Jennifer tells Suzie to set him up and meet with him so they can get to the bottom of whatever he’s trying to contact Suzie and Royce about. She agrees to the plan.

Evelyn’s daughter, Shaniece, is graduating high school soon. She doesn’t know where she’s going to college yet, but naturally Evelyn’s already trying to plan her graduation party. Priorities, people. While they’re trying to decide what Shaniece should wear, Evelyn says, “I think you need to wear Christian Louboutins,” and without moving a muscle in her face Shaniece replies, “That would be good.” It took all I had within me to not throw my two-year-old pair of doodled on, ripped up, falling apart Converse through my TV at that ungrateful child. The two then went on to have an uncomfortable and unnatural conversation about Shaniece’s relationship with her birth-father, and all of her mother’s other boyfriends and fiancés. Suffice to say, it was reality TV exposition at its worst.

Suzie and Meeka meet up to discuss last week’s fight. Couldn’t they have just sat down everyone that wasn’t there all at once to tell them together? It could have shaved off about 20 minutes from this episode. Anyway, I won’t say Suzie’s hair was full on crimped, but I was feeling reminiscent towards playing Snake II on my Nokia, decorating my friends’ lockers for their birthdays and other things that remind me of 6th grade. Suzie has the audacity to say to Meeka, “I thought it would be smart to get everyone together again. No one’s really communicating with each other.” Suzie. I know you haven’t forgotten what happened the last time you got everyone together because you’ve already told two new people within the half hour. So what on earth could you possibly hope to accomplish by getting everyone together this time? Getting Evelyn to throw a pitcher? Or maybe you’re hoping to see glass break someone’s skin?

Evelyn and Jennifer meet for some Brooklyn Pizza…in South Beach. What a perfect place for Evelyn to reveal she’s going to New York soon to look at schools for Shaniece. But isn’t she graduating soon? Shouldn’t she know where she’s going? Unimportant. Jennifer also will be traveling to the tri-state area shortly to talk to her lawyer in New Jersey. Yes. Traveling from Florida to New Jersey to talk to her lawyer. Apparently, Jennifer has found the only lawyer in the continental United States that hasn’t upgraded to telephone yet. Do I smell a road trip coming on, ladies?

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Suzie’s sting operation. Only, it doesn’t look so much like a scene from Law and Order: SVU as it does a scene from Basketball Wives. Here I am thinking she’ll be wired with a tap and have a camera in her glasses. Basically, they just met up to have lunch. Eric tells Suzie that he wants her to be in a movie he’s making (Directing? Producing? It’s unclear.). He says he wants Royce to be in it too which immediately makes Suzie ask him if it’s a porn. “No,” he replies. “But, you will have to be naked in it.” For some reason, when I picture James Cameron pitching Titanic to Kate Winslet, I don’t see her nudity coming up within five minutes of them sitting down. Suzie agrees with me, saying, “It seems like a low budget flop.” Eric goes on and on, explaining that the movie is about women who rob successful men, and says “Ya dig?” more times than I thought was humanly possible within five minutes.

Evelyn walks into her house to find Shaniece sitting all Fatal Attraction-like on the couch in complete silence holding a pile of papers. They’re her acceptance letters from all the schools she applied to in New York. In a truly touching moment, we see Evelyn become a “hot mess” (her words) at the thought of her daughter going to school in California, so far away from her family. The moment is immediately broken, of course, when Evelyn uses her Hermes scarf to dab her running mascara.

Next, we meet ALL the ladies at the Miami Beach Polo Event. Everyone makes sure to let us know how swanky and exclusive it is, except it looks more like a tent on the beach to me. Suzie, hair now fully crimped, dressed like a hippie to bring love and peace to the group. Ok? Ok. Royce, Tami and Suzie have a conversation about how Suzie doesn’t have Royce’s back. It was hard to focus on what the three of them were saying because Suzie literally removed her sunglasses every time she spoke and put them back on every time she was finished. On and off. On and off. On and off.

I NOW INTERRUPT MY OWN RECAP TO BRING YOU A LINE BY LINE (MORE DIRECT) RECAP OF SOMETHING EVELYN ACTUALLY AND LITERALLY SAID AT THE POLO EVENT:

Evelyn (to Meeka): “The situation with Tami is: I don’t give a f*ck, I’m selling my t-shirts and Royce is really a non-mother f*cking-factor so I could give a sh*t about her.”

Evelyn (to camera): “Anyone who goes to the Polo Event knows it’s an upscale event. It’s not the time and place to have a conversation about little kid drama or t-shirts so it’s not something I’m trying to get into.”

I’M NOT MAKING ANY COMMENTS. I’LL JUST LET YOU READ THAT AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES. Back to your regularly scheduled recap…

Before you (or I) know it, all of the ladies are together at a table and fighting. Meeka asked Tami if she was drunk, seemingly out of nowhere. While Tami gave a long-winded (and unrelated) answer about her mother or something, Meeka sat and chewed her gum like a horse. Before long all of the ladies were in on the action.

It wasn’t until right then and there that I realized how similar Basketball Wives is to my family’s Passover seders: everyone screaming over each other about something unrelated to what anyone else is saying.

All of the ladies went on and on about how embarrassing it was to be seen like that at the polo event, but when I looked at everyone around them, no one even seemed to notice they were there, never mind screeching at each other like hyenas. Tami them swooped in with what is, in my opinion, the greatest line to ever be uttered on television*: “You’re only relevant because I’m talking to you.” Note to self: work this in to daily conversation.

*on Mondays from 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on VH1.

Next weeks preview promises more fighting for no reason, out of nowhere between anyone who happens to be in spitting distance, as well as the music debut of one of the wives.

Until we meet again, know this: I’m talking to you, therefore, you are relevant.