My prediction: If you enjoy excessive violence, boobs and/or Lindsay Lohan, you will love this movie about a Mexican fed with a license to kill!
When Robert Rodriguez makes a film, you should always expect the unexpected. So if you expected to have a peaceful, relaxing time at the movie theatre this Labor Day weekend, think again. Machete is blissful, bloody, fun carnage – but it sure as heck isn’t relaxing!
Danny Trejo plays an ex-Federale (a member of the Mexican police) who tries to clear his name after he’s made the fall guy on a crooked political assassination. Oh yeah, and he is PISSED. He wants revenge and will do whatever it takes to get it – including pretty inventive ways of killing those who have wronged him! Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin and Robert DeNiro are all along for the ride on this blood and boobs filled bonanza that had me cheering in the theatre!
Now, let’s talk Lindsay. By no means is this the 24-year-old trainwreck’s comeback role. But let me tell you – by the end of the movie I can definitely say her talent is still intact.
The first time you see her onscreen as gun-toting socialite/former nun April Benz, she gets into big trouble with her dad (Jeff Fahey), vomits and apologizes to him with a “sorry, daddy.” So basically, an average Friday night for Ms. Lohan.
What else does Lilo get into on the big screen? Well, she makes out with women, goes topless (her boobs look real and REALLY GOOD too!) and shoots guns! It’s not going to win her any Best Actress trophies, but I was a fan.
One reason NOT to see this movie? Jessica Alba. She plays an immigrations officer who’s trying to take down Michelle’s character, Luce – a taco-stand-owning killer. She’s so bad she’s almost good – almost. But let’s be honest – who’s really going to catch Jessica Alba in a movie for her acting?
In summary, will you enjoy Machete? If you want to end your summer with a bang and drive home the fact that Lindsay Lohan still can’t get a serious movie role, absolutely. I give it four out of five machetes for sure!
PS – if you’re a guy, there’s definitely a bonus in store for you. If your girlfriend has dragged you to see Charlie. St Cloud or The Switch in recent months, take her to see this movie as a revenge!