If your children ever ask you where babies come from, for the love of Westeros, don’t show them the final scene from this week’s Game of Thrones. Childbirth is gross enough as it is without the unholy image of Melisandre (Carice van Houten) screaming and pushing a full-grown shadow creature out of her priestess hoo-ha. I guess Stannis (Stephen Dillane) finally got that son he was hoping for, even if he does share partial paternity with the Lord of Light. I don’t envy whoever has to fill out that birth certificate.

Arya (Maisie Williams), Gendry (Joe Dempsie) and all their kidnapped pals were taken to a charming torture chamber this week, where one person was killed every day until they finally squealed about the location of “the Brotherhood.” And considering most of them have no idea what “the Brotherhood” even is, there were quite a few deaths by rats and fire — a combination you really have to see to believe.

And speaking of torture, how could I go this long without mentioning dear, sweet Joffrey (Jack Gleeson)? After ordering his men to beat and disrobe Sansa (Sophie Turner), he turned his sadistic sense of fun on two unsuspecting whores who had been purchased for his name day. Their time started out innocently enough, with Joffrey watching as one whore went to town on the other. But then came the spanking. And the belting. And before you knew it, Joffrey was ordering that one whore beat the other with a friggin’ sceptre. It was sick — but hey, so is Joffrey.

So how did the eldest of the Stark ladies fare this week? Weirdly, that’s how. Very weirdly. After Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) accused Petyr (Aidan Gillian) of betraying her by staging a meeting with Renley (Gethin Anthony), he countered with a confession of his love. And when that didn’t go over so well, he presented her with Ned’s remains — in a nice, neat little box. (For the record, when I said I wanted to see Sean Bean again, that’s not how I meant it!)

Catelyn and Renley also attempted to forge an alliance with Stannis, but he wasn’t having any of it. Not only did he refuse to “join” them, but he counter-offered for them to join him, with the promise of making Renley his heir — that is, until his creepy shadow child is old enough to assume the crown. (Can it even wear a crown? It’s made of shadows!)

Meanwhile, Daenerys’ (Emilia Clarke) luck improved this week when she and her band of Dothraki ragamuffins — whom shall hence be known as simply “Dothragamuffins” — were permitted access into Qarth, “the greatest city that ever was or will be.” Of course, it took some convincing. Daenerys was initially turned away after she refused to give the Thirteen a peek at her wee dragon babies, but after she threatened to basically kill all of them with their magical fire breath, one member of the city’s guard stepped forward and argued their case.

Call me crazy, but Qarth seems a little too good to be true. #PrayForTheDragonBabies.

FINAL DEATH COUNT: At least 3 (plus tons of Lannister casualties)

FINAL BOOB COUNT: 6

OK, what did you think of this week’s episode? Has Daenerys finally caught a break? Will Joffrey ever die? And, honestly, was that birth scene not the creepiest thing you’ve seen on TV all season? Hit up the comments section with your thoughts!

— Andy Swift

Follow @AndySwift

More Game of Thrones recaps:

1. Recap: A Spy Is Found At King’s Landing
2. Recap: Melisandre’s Evil Plan Is Revealed
3. Season Premiere Recap: Stannis Reveals Joffrey’s Paternity

Bundle up, kids! The winds of winter are blowing in April 1 when Game of Thrones returns to HBO for its second season, and to prevent your brains from totally exploding during the premiere, HollywoodLife.com is here to cushion the blow with a few teasers of what’s to come. For those of you who read A Clash of Kings, the second book in George R. R. Martin‘s A Song of Ice and Fire series, most of the premiere will seem pretty familiar — and it’s just as awesome as you expect it will be.

1. Daenerys’ baby dragons are out in full force: Firmly perched on the khaleesi’s shoulders like fire-breathing parrots, Deanerys’ (Emilia Clarke) dragons are forces to be reckoned with — or at least they will be once they’re fully grown. While fans get a solid glimpse of the little guys on the season premiere, they sort of disappear until a little later on, when Daenerys reveals exactly how she plans to use them to her advantage.

2. Stannis Baratheon (aka your new favorite character): Would you expect Stannis Baratheon — brother of the late King Robert and true heir to the Iron Throne — to be anything other than totally bad-ass? Good, because that’s exactly what he is. But is Stephen Dillane‘s character the new Ned Stark in terms of fandom? Almost. I think we can all agree that honor goes to Kit Harrington‘s Jon Snow.

3. Melisandre (aka your second favorite new character): Known as the “red priestess” in the original book series, Melisandre (Carice van Houten) first appears at the right hand of Stannis on the season premiere, but her motives — both political and sexual — are gradually revealed as the episodes unfold. Trust me, you’ll want to keep an eye this one.

4. Joffrey still sucks, but now he’s getting punished for it: If you merely disliked Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) in season one, you will absolutely despise him in season two. Power has unsurprisingly gone straight to his head, and everyone suffers as a result — especially poor Sansa (Sophie Turner). Fortunately, not everyone in Westeros feels like putting up with Joffrey’s crap, and someone ends up planting a well-deserved slap on the king’s pasty little face. Trust me, it’s just as fulfilling as when Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) backhanded Joffrey in season one, which you can watch over and over (and over) below:

Click here to view the embedded video.

5. What’s really beyond the wall? There’s been a whole lot of yammering about the “terrors” lurking beyond the wall, and season two finally gives us a closer look at what’s out there. But maybe we should be careful what we wish for, because the dangers are more twisted than any of us could have predicted — and I’m not even talking about the monsters! Jon Snow had better watch his pretty little back.

What are YOU most excited to see when Game of Thrones returns April 1? Watch the latest trailer below, then drop us a comment with your season two wishes:

Click here to view the embedded video.

– Andy Swift

Follow Andy on Twitter for more Game of Thrones scoop

If I were Joffrey (Jack Gleeson), I’d be clutching my crown — and wetting my royal knickers — right about now. The voice of Robert’s brother Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane) bellows in the latest trailer for Game of Thrones‘ upcoming second season, and his terrifying monologue is full of not-so-idle threats. Words like “loyalty” and “destroy” get thrown around as he lays claim to the iron throne of Westeros. If you thought winter was going to be bad, just wait until Stannis shows up.

“Let all true men declare their loyalty,” Stannis warns. “The iron throne is mine by right. They will bend a knee or I will destroy them.”

Along with these spooky words, this new trailer also gives us a look at some of our favorite characters, including Jon Snow (Kit Harington), Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage), Catelyn Tully (Michelle Fairley) — and yes, even those incestuous nogoodniks Cersei (Lena Heady) and Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau).

Watch the full teaser trailer below! (And be sure to bundle up, because you know, winter is coming…)

Click here to view the embedded video.

A new Game of Thrones teaser trailer for the upcoming second season has hit the web — and while it doesn’t give too much in the way of plot spoilers, it serves up a phenomenal helping of Stannis Baratheon’s (Stephen Dillane) gruff voice. “The night is dark and full of terrors,” he teases. (Seriously, who else has chills?)

Watch the teaser trailer below:

— Andy Swift

Follow Andy on Twitter to talk Game of Thrones