Tyrion’s (Peter Dinklage) life may have become become a twisted re-telling of Pretty Woman, but the May 20 episode of Game of Thrones couldn’t have been less of a romantic comedy. When Tyrion tried to ship Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) off to war, Cersei (Lena Headey) used “his” whore as leverage to keep her son safe. Of course, there’s one very important details Cersei seems to have missed…

She thinks she has Tyrion’s whore-of-choice in her possession, but she actually kidnapped Roz, who appears to be going along with the charade.

But that wasn’t the biggest twist this week’s episode had to offer. That honor goes to the reveal that Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) and Rickon (Art Parkinson) are alive! I assumed Theon (Alfie Allen) didn’t really kill them, but Yara (Gemma Whelan) wasn’t quite as convinced. She paid her brother a visit at Winterfell just to tell him what a stupid c-word he is, which was actually kind of a relief. I was afraid she wanted him to pleasure her on horseback — again.

The other M.I.A. Stark, Arya (Maisie Williams) is now more desperate than ever to protect Robb (Richard Madden) from the Lannister assault. She asked her Genie of Death to whack Tywin (Charles Dance), and when he told her it couldn’t be done, she gave him his own name instead. This led to a new deal in which he would get to keep his life, as long as he helped Arya and her friends escape, which he did — after murking three Lannister guards.

And if you thought Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) was really going to kill Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), sorry, no dice. Robb returned to camp only to discover his mother had released the “King Slayer.” But she didn’t send him off alone! He’s chained up under the watchful eye of Lady Brienne (Gwendoline Christie), who isn’t the least bit amused by Jaime’s little jokes. I know this is a weird thing to say, but I could see those two hooking up in a moment of sheer confusion and desperation. And I’d love every minute of it.

I was afraid we wouldn’t be seeing any of Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) this week — her best stuff is being saved for the end of the season — we were, mercifully, given one scene in Qarth. The khaleesi demanded that Jorah (Iain Glen) take her to see her dragons at the House of the Undying, explaining that they’re the only babies she’ll ever have.

Tyrion and that bitchy eunuch also chatted about Daenerys from across the sea — I’m glad they’re finally recognizing her highness — but apparently aren’t too worried, because it’ll still be years before her dragons are big enough to be feared. (Is it too much to ask for a little time jump here? I need those dragons to be all grown up, like, yesterday.)

FINAL DEATH COUNT: 3… or possibly 4
FINAL BOOB COUNT: 2

This week’s episode wasn’t as exciting as I expected with just two episodes left in the season, but it set the stage for next week’s epic battle. Drop your reaction to this week’s events in the comments section below!

— Andy Swift

Follow @AndySwift

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Picking up right where we left off last week, the April 15 episode of Game of Thrones found a bloody Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) reeling from his surprise attack — and his surprise discovery. As if damaging Jon’s face wasn’t enough of a crime against nature, it was revealed that Craster has been feeding all of his grandsons to the White Walkers as “offerings!” Worse yet, Jon seems to be the only one who cares.

In other happy family news, Theon (Alfie Allen) remained the grumpiest of Greyjoys as his father decided to give 30 ships to Yara (Gemma Whelan) but only 1 to him. This led to a whole hissy fit of the usual Theon problems, including: “Dad, why did you give me up as a baby?” and “Sister, why did you let me pleasure you on a horse last week?” It all ended in a baptism that solidified Theon’s alliance to his family — as if getting to third base with his sister didn’t already do that.

Come to think of it, Theon and Yara’s incestuous relationship is straight out of Cruel Intensions — only far less attractive.

But believe it or not, the Greyjoys only have the second most twisted family life in Westeros compared to Renley Baratheon (Gethin Anthony) and his revolving door of sexual siblings. We already knew he and Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones) were enjoying each other on the down low, but what we didn’t know was that Loras’ sister — and Renley’s new bride — is all in favor of their little arrangement. Margaery (Natalie Dormer) even offered to bring Loras back into their bedroom to get Renley “started,” or as an equally disturbing option, Renley could just have sex with her from behind and pretend she was her brother. Either way, Margaery wanted a baby, whether Renley’s downstairs-y parts liked it or not.

Meanwhile, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) was busy playing tiny detective over at King’s Landing. By telling three different people three different stories about his plans to marry off Myrcella (Aimee Richardson), he determined that not only had Grand Maester Pycelle (Julian Glover) been spying on him for Cersei (Lena Headey), but he also had prior knowledge of John Arryn’s death! This injustice was punished by the stripping of Pycelle’s majestic beard, which I assume he’d been carefully grooming for the past century. That thing was Biblically long.

Of course, this was all part of Tyrion’s plan to get the upper-hand against his sister, who’s been out to get him as of late. He even took the necessary precautions to keep his whore a secret from her. (Oh, Tyrion, who would look out for the whores if you weren’t around?)

Despite his innocence this week, I still don’t trus Varys (Conleth Hill). Something about eunuchs just doesn’t sit well with me.

As far as Game of Thrones episodes go, things seemed pretty tame up to this point — but as always, that’s when everything took a turn for the worst. Arya’s (Maisie Williams) merry band of travelers was infiltrated by the king’s men again, which triggered a horrific bloodbath, ending in the sword-in-the-head death of Yoran. And all the kids were taken away.

The upside? Arya was able to convince the king’s men they had also accidentally killed Gendry (Joe Dempsie) in the fray, thus sparing his life.

At least for one more day.

Oh! And Bran has been dreaming about being a wolf, but was told they were “gone from the world.” As someone who’s never read the book — but enjoys a good/weird wolf story — I feel like this could go in a very cool direction.

FINAL DEATH COUNT: Up for debate, but I’m going with 7 (not counting Pycelle’s heavenly beard)

FINAL BOOB COUNT: A respectable 4

What did you think of this week’s turn of events? Who was the stand-out M.V.P. of the episode in your mind? And were you as grossed out by that little head-in-sword action as I was? Hit up the comments section with your thoughts on all things Westeros.

— Andy Swift

Follow @AndySwift

Game of Thrones fans have used many words to describe Melisandre (Carice van Houten) after she made her debut on last week’s season premiere — evil, shady and cryptic come to mind — but the April 8 episode added one more to that already colorful list: slutty! The “priestess” offered herself up to Stannis (Stephen Dillane), promising to deliver him the son his wife never could. And as an added layer of poetry, Stannis wrecked Melisandre on a map of Westeros, sending all the pieces crashing to the floor. Foreshadowing much?

Also troubling: Melisandre told Stannis that sleeping with her was the final step in giving himself over to the “Lord of Light,” which is crucial to him becoming king. I haven’t read the books, but even I know that procreating with a cultish priestess is a terrible, terrible idea. Evil powers aside, just imagine Melisandre’s red hair on a baby.

Meanwhile, Stannis’ most loyal peeps were off enlisting the help of Salladhor, a charming pirate who agreed to lend his fleet of 30 ships to their cause — but only if they promised him lots of gold and Cersei’s (Lena Headey) hoo-hoo.

Speaking of Cersei’s hoo-hoo, things weren’t any less dramatic at Kings’ Landing this week. Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) decided to do a little re-shuffling, exiling Janos (Dominic Carter) and appointing Bronn (Jerome Flynn) as the new commander of the city watch, which didn’t sit well with his sister — or her hoo-hoo.

And because no season of Game of Thrones would be complete without a little incest, Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) took it upon himself to finger his sister on a horse. It was sort of like that scene in Fear where Mark Wahlberg pleasures Reese Witherspoon on the roller coaster — only ten times more traumatic.

In his defense, Theon’s been away from home for years and didn’t know Yara (Gemma Whelan) was his sister, though Lord Greyjoy (Patrick Malahide) was happy to remind him. It turns out Yara will be leading their army, and while I’m sure Theon could have come up with a perfectly good argument against that, he was a little tongue-tied. Getting to third base with your own sister will do that to you.

Over in the Red Waste, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) continued facing opposition from her fellow khals, who remain less-than-cool with the idea of a female ruler. This became pretty clear when Rakharo’s (Elyes Gabel) horse returned to camp… with Rhokaro’s severed head tucked neatly in its saddle bag like the world’s grossest Christmas present. Personally, I wasn’t as opposed to the senseless violence as much as I was against the re-gifting. That’s just tacky.

Lastly, Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) found himself beard-deep in some serious baby mama drama when Gilly (Hannah Murray) — one of Craster’s (Robert Pugh) many unfortunate bride-children — told Sam (John Bradley) she was pregnant and afraid of what would happen if she had a boy. And because Sam is a big bumbling idiot, he got Jon involved in the situation.

Later that night, Jon watched as a baby was delivered in the woods and handed off to someone (or something), before being ambushed by Craster, who knocked him out cold.

Final death count: 1
Final boob count: 8

What did you think of this week’s episode? Sure, it was another hour of mostly talking, but the last few minutes set up some really twisted story lines. Drop your thoughts about what’s to come in the comments section below!

— Andy Swift

Follow Andy on Twitter for more Game of Thrones updates

It’s going to be a big night for the ladies of Westeros! Not only does the April 8 episode of Game of Thrones mark the official return of Arya (Maisie Williams), but it also finds a furious Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) determined to assert her authority as head of the khalasar. Don’t ask me why people still refuse to acknowledge the power of the girl who hatched — and now controls — multiple dragon babies.

Meanwhile, Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) also finds himself entrenched in some lady drama of his own, as one of the girls he’s staying with — you know, with the creepy old guy who marries his daughters and only let’s them have more girls — reveals she’s pregnant with a baby boy.

Oh, boy.

Watch a preview video of tonight’s episode below:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Westeros may be a few degrees colder than we last left it, but for the most part, the April 1 season premiere of Game of Thrones was business as usual: battle lines were drawn, baby dragons spread their wings, and everyone laid their claim to the Iron Throne. Again.

And since the Game has always been a family affair, let’s break down the first episode of season two house-by-house, shall we?

THE LANNISTERS:

With Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) sitting pretty — and I couldn’t mean that more ironically — on the throne at King’s Landing, the Lannisters were the picture of self-righteous confidence at the top of the hour. Joffrey forced peasants to fight for his amusement, Tyrion’s (Peter Dinklage) medieval take on the Justin Bieber shag looked more coiffed than ever, and Cersei (Leana Heady) was reveling in her position at the head of the Small Council. (Side note: I find it ironic that she tried to keep Tyrion from sitting in on the Small Council meeting — for obvious, yet tragically offensive, reasons.)

But all that began to crumble when news of Cersei and Jaime’s (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) incestuous shenanigans spread across the kingdoms like the best piece of internet gossip ever. Joffrey’s days on the throne are numbered, and I for one couldn’t be more excited to see that pale little weasel get his comeuppance.

THE STARKS:

Speaking of Jaime, the beautiful-yet-terrible human being spent his first hour of season two tied up at Robb Stark’s (Richard Madden) camp. And you can only imagine how happy Robb was to learn that, not only is Jaime actually Joffrey’s father, but that he also pushed Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) out the window when he caught Jaime and Cersei in the throws of incestuous passion. Personally, I think Robb should have let Grey Wind rip Jaime’s face apart — even if that would have taken a serious toll on the overal beauty of Westeros.

Meanwhile, Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) got his first taste of the “terrors” beyond the wall — and I’m not talking about the White Walkers. Jon and his crew took refuge in the home of a bats–t crazy old man who marries his daughters and makes them live in the shadows like Fraggles. “You’re prettier than half my daughters,” the old man said to Jon; and while that may be true, the creepiness with which he said it has me concerned for our precious bearded baby.

THE DOTHRAKI:

We caught up with Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) and her tribe on the dusty roads of the Red Waste, as they discovered that life post-dragon hatching wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. The sun was hot, food was scarce, and Daenerys’ favorite horse kicked the bucket (#TargaryenProblems). At least we got a brief Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) mention out of the tragedy; now would it kill them to bring him back as a ghost? I really miss that man — guy-liner, majestic ponytail, and all.

THE NEWBIES:

And what would a season premiere be without the introduction of a few game-changers? After hearing his name more times than Beeltejuice’s, we finally met Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane), brother of the late King Robert and true heir to the Iron Throne — and he wasn’t alone. Not only did he have a formidable army at his disposal, but he was also being guided by a mysterious woman named Melisandre (Carice van Houten). A cryptic priestess who was never told there is such a thing as “too much red,” it’s safe to assume Melisandre has ulterior motives in leading Stannis to victory.

Stannis’ first act of awesomeness was sending a message to everyone in the kingdom — it’s like the medieval version of e-mailing all of your contacts — informing them of Joffrey’s true paternity, as well as his claim to the throne.

As far as Game of Thrones episodes go, I’ll admit the second season premiere felt slightly subdued — I counted a grand total of 4 boobs and 7 deaths, including Daenerys’ horse — but it certainly set the stage for an epic clash of swords this season.

What did YOU think of the premiere? Do you think Joffrey’s days on the throne are numbered? Did you want more dragon babies? And how do you feel about all the new characters? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below!

— Andy Swift

Follow Andy on Twitter for more Game of Thrones updates

Bundle up, kids! The winds of winter are blowing in April 1 when Game of Thrones returns to HBO for its second season, and to prevent your brains from totally exploding during the premiere, HollywoodLife.com is here to cushion the blow with a few teasers of what’s to come. For those of you who read A Clash of Kings, the second book in George R. R. Martin‘s A Song of Ice and Fire series, most of the premiere will seem pretty familiar — and it’s just as awesome as you expect it will be.

1. Daenerys’ baby dragons are out in full force: Firmly perched on the khaleesi’s shoulders like fire-breathing parrots, Deanerys’ (Emilia Clarke) dragons are forces to be reckoned with — or at least they will be once they’re fully grown. While fans get a solid glimpse of the little guys on the season premiere, they sort of disappear until a little later on, when Daenerys reveals exactly how she plans to use them to her advantage.

2. Stannis Baratheon (aka your new favorite character): Would you expect Stannis Baratheon — brother of the late King Robert and true heir to the Iron Throne — to be anything other than totally bad-ass? Good, because that’s exactly what he is. But is Stephen Dillane‘s character the new Ned Stark in terms of fandom? Almost. I think we can all agree that honor goes to Kit Harrington‘s Jon Snow.

3. Melisandre (aka your second favorite new character): Known as the “red priestess” in the original book series, Melisandre (Carice van Houten) first appears at the right hand of Stannis on the season premiere, but her motives — both political and sexual — are gradually revealed as the episodes unfold. Trust me, you’ll want to keep an eye this one.

4. Joffrey still sucks, but now he’s getting punished for it: If you merely disliked Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) in season one, you will absolutely despise him in season two. Power has unsurprisingly gone straight to his head, and everyone suffers as a result — especially poor Sansa (Sophie Turner). Fortunately, not everyone in Westeros feels like putting up with Joffrey’s crap, and someone ends up planting a well-deserved slap on the king’s pasty little face. Trust me, it’s just as fulfilling as when Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) backhanded Joffrey in season one, which you can watch over and over (and over) below:

Click here to view the embedded video.

5. What’s really beyond the wall? There’s been a whole lot of yammering about the “terrors” lurking beyond the wall, and season two finally gives us a closer look at what’s out there. But maybe we should be careful what we wish for, because the dangers are more twisted than any of us could have predicted — and I’m not even talking about the monsters! Jon Snow had better watch his pretty little back.

What are YOU most excited to see when Game of Thrones returns April 1? Watch the latest trailer below, then drop us a comment with your season two wishes:

Click here to view the embedded video.

– Andy Swift

Follow Andy on Twitter for more Game of Thrones scoop