“I know it’s hard to accept, but J.R. Ewing is dead.” Those chilling words — spoken by some rando Mexican policewoman — set the stage for a truly depressing episode of Dallas, as the associates of Southfork, and the viewers who have been following J.R. (Larry Hagman) for more than 30 years, laid the TV icon to rest.

Even the opening title sequence was altered into a tribute to the late-great villain, with a down-tempo theme song and various glamour shots of J.R. His funeral also brought some of Southfork’s finest back to the ranch — including J.R.’s multiple ex-wives — to reminisce about the horrific good times.

J.R.’s Memorial Ends In A Fistfight

As with most memorials, tensions ran high: John Ross (Josh Henderson) lashed out at Pamela (Julie Gonzalo), Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) was once again tempted by booze, and Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval) showed up to make a scene like the crazy ass-hat that he is. Then the whole thing kind of dissolved into an all-out brawl, with John Ross and Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) uniting as one mighty fist of Ewing fury.

When John Ross wasn’t swinging his fists, he was sharing booze and pills and the backseat of a van with Emma (Emma Bell), a substance-fueled union that clearly won’t sit well with… probably anyone. In fact, most of the Ewings had a pretty crappy night, as Bobby (Patrick Duffy) got all up in Ann’s (Brenda Strong) face about keeping her daughter a secret from him.

Sue Ellen Makes A Drunken Speech At J.R.’s Funeral

J.R.’s actual funeral was nothing short of devastating. I held myself together through most of the speeches, but when Sue Ellen took to the podium, I just stopped trying. After admitting she was pretty drunk — nice, Sue Ellen — she read J.R.’s letter to her, in which he apologized for everything he’d ever done. As she wept over his grave, draped in an American flag, I legitimately felt Sue Ellen’s 30+ years of pain; and that’s saying a lot, considering I’ve never seen a minute of the original Dallas.

J.R.’s Killer Is Revealed — But Not To Everyone

So who shot J.R. this time? According to the authorities, J.R. met a fine-ass lady at a Mexican club, and the couple rendezvoused at a nearby hotel. On the record, J.R. was murdered by a random criminal, but a mysterious package sent to Bobby revealed his true killer. Bobby said the Ewings will “deal with it as a family,” so is it possible J.R. was finally done in by one of his own?

Meanwhile, that same mysterious package also revealed part of J.R.’s top-secret “masterpiece” plan. It turns out J.R. was in Abu Dhabi searching for Christopher’s mother, then went to Mexico to dig up dirt on Harris for Bobby. So, basically, J.R. really was kind of a good guy.

Deep down.

Way deep down.

HollywoodLifers, who do YOU think killed J.R. Ewing? And what did you think of his big send-off? Drop a comment with your review of the episode and your theories.

— Andy Swift

Follow @AndySwift

More Dallas news on HollywoodLife.com:

1. ‘Dallas’ Scoop: Brenda Strong Reveals More Dark Shadows From Ann’s Past
2. Larry Hagman Dead: ‘Dallas’ Star Dies Of Cancer At 81

Dallas ruled the ratings when its first aired from 1978 to 1991, and it looks like history is repeating itself, because the June 13 premiere of TNT’s Dallas reboot drew in a whopping 6.9 million viewers. That makes it the year’s No. 1 scripted series premiere! Like the original series, the new Dallas focuses on the Ewings, a wealthy Texan brood with its hand in the local oil and cattle industries — but a lot has changed since we bid farewell to them 22 years ago.

In fact, there’s a whole new generation of troublemakers on the loose, including J.R. (Larry Hagman) and Sue Ellen’s (Linda Gray) son John Ross (Josh Henderson), as well as Bobby (Patrick Duffy) and Pam’s adopted son Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe). As you can imagine, the “brothers” spent the two-hour premiere butting heads, as their very different goals — John Ross is guided by greed, while Christopher cares more about the wellbeing of the ranch — pitted them against one another.

But don’t worry if you missed the big premiere, because you can always watch full episodes of Dallas right on TNT’s website!

So tell me: Does Dallas have a permanent place on your DVR, or are you not one of the 6.9 million Americans feeling nostalgic for the drama of yesteryear? Vote and drop me a comment with your personal review of the new show below!

— Andy Swift

Follow @AndySwift

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1. ‘Bunheads’ Series Premiere: Michelle Receives The Shock Of Her Life
2. ‘Jane By Design’ Series Premiere Recap: Jane Lands The Job Of Her Dreams
3. ‘Smash’ Series Premiere Recap: Who Should Play Marilyn Monroe?