Shameless season 9 starts out with Frank Gallagher covered in vomit, which means Shameless is back in full force. As soon as he wipes the vomit off and scrubs his you-know-what, Frank heads out to have sex with PTA moms Greta and Beverly. Typical Frank.
Meanwhile, Fiona is working on getting the money for Ian’s bail. While fixing up the building, Ford gets a call from someone named Patty. Fiona immediately assumes the worst.
Despite the fact that he’s in jail, Ian doesn’t hate it. He’s helping a group of submissives from their gang-bangers. He’s fighting for their rights. He even tells Fiona to wait on the bail, which has her questioning whether or not he’s taking his meds in jail.
Carl is away at school, but Cassidy is not letting him out of her sight. She waits right outside the fence of the school and camps out there. Carl is told that he has a good chance to be named a cadet lieutenant next year if he can get his lady and one of his plebes in order.
When Debbie realizes that she’s getting paid less than her male co-workers, she flips out. It’s all because she “takes too long” in the bathroom. So she decides to make her own diaper to get paid equally. Her move works.
Lip is still waiting on Eddie to come back, but he’s not abandoning Xan. Before Brad’s wedding, Lip meets Cami’s maid of honor, Tammy. They hit it off at first, but when she throws up on him during their closet hookup, things go sour. At the wedding, Xan meets a boy, but Lip puts an end to that real quick. He’s such a good surrogate dad.
There is an epidemic at Liam’s school — an STD epidemic among the PTA parents. Four of them have tested positive for all three venereal diseases. The parents can’t leave until they’ve all been tested. As the day goes on, the parents all admit to having sex with each other. But the one person the women have in common is none other than Frank Gallagher. He manages to keep his balls intact while locked in the school with the other angry parents. Frank is one lucky SOB.
Fiona finally gets an answer from Ford about the mysterious Patty. He says Patty is his mother, but she doesn’t really believe him. She later drops the phone in the toilet. She’s not that sorry about it.
After the wedding, Brad tells Lip to ask Tammy out. He goes to her hair salon, and she gives him a big fat no. She says that he’s not that much fun. “You f**k for shit,” she adds, which blows Lip’s mind. He’s never been dissed like this before.
Fiona gets the bail money for Ian, but he wants to stay in jail. He says he has more work to do on the inside. After Carl keeps bemoaning Cassidy’s obsession with him, his plebe, Huntington, takes matters into his own hands. He tells Carl that he “took care” of Cassidy and no one will ever find the body. Cassidy is dead. Oh, Carl. He’ll never make cadet lieutenant now!