Andi met all her bachelors (and trimmed the fat) on last week’s season premiere of ‘The Bachelorette,’ now the fun and games really start — one-on-one dates, impromptu power moves, and of course, male stripping.
After much anticipation, Andi Dorfman officially ditched her law degree for love, and set out to find her husband by sending home six guys on The Bachelorette premiere last week, May 19. With the schlubs gone (Except Tasos. Tasos is somehow still around.), Andi was ready to really buckle down and do some bachelor-hunting. So who stood out?
Eric Hill Impresses Andi On A One-On-One
After Chris Harrison did his classic state-the-obvious routine by telling the 19 guys that one of them is going to be Andi’s husband, he explained that two guys were going to get one-on-one dates, 14 others would have to fight over her like a pack of dogs, and three more would be left date-less. Chris also dropped off the very first date card for… Eric Hill (R.I.P.).
Eric, in a questionably short bathing suit, and Andi initially did beach-y things on their date like make sand castles and fly kites before the season’s first helicopter (I’m going to keep count this season — there will be at least 10 helicopter sightings) swooped in to spice things up.
The duo were swept off to what turned into a seriously tailor-made date for the adventurous Eric. He must’ve been like, “Seriously? The outdoors? Snowboarding? Extreme sports? This is too easy.” As predicted, things went extremely well for E-money, though it did take the both of them a little too long to grasp that they went from being on the beach to being on a mountain in such little time. After totally dominating the date — and telling Andi about Syria (?) — Andi hit him with a rose AND some ski lodge s’mores.
Andi’s First Kiss
Next up was Chris the Farmer, who is basically Tim Tebow but more universally lovable and full of apt Pretty Woman references. Andi took the Iowa native to the racetrack, where they bet on horses and had a not-set-up-at-all conversation with a couple who had been married for 55 years.
Then after the sun set, Chris sweetly stammered through a confession about how he’s been previously engaged. He also called Andi “the one,” and she totally ate it up. He got that rose, they slow-danced to This Wild Life (Ya know, those guys!), and madeout like crazy. That was the first kiss, guys, so watch out for Chris the Farmer — he’s gonna be tough to beat.
Full disclosure: I just dumped my girlfriend because I’m in love with Chris the Farmer.
The Group Date: 14 Guys Strip & One Gets Wasted
The real highlight for me though was the group date, and not just because it was built around stripping for charity. But about that first — Andi made 14 of her bachelors take off all their clothes in front of a bunch of horny women (including Sharleen and dog-lover Kelly from last season of The Bachelor). And I’m just going to throw this out there, but it seemed like a lot of those guys had stripped for a live audience before. Like Tasos. Dial it back, dude.
But things really heated up after the cabaret. Craig, who spent the entire first half of the date ogling the guys more than Andi and talking about Josh M.‘s “package,” proceeded to get absolutely blasted while every other guy schmoozed with Andi. You remember Andi, right Craig? She’s the girl you’re supposed to be impressing.
Craig did shots, jumped into a pool with his clothes on, and got escorted off the date by producers. It was awesome… especially for Marcus, who swooped in after all the commotion and definitely made lemonade out of Craig’s drunk-ass lemons, securing the coveted group date rose for himself.
But Who Went Home?
It was an eventful rose ceremony mixer. Nick V., otherwise known as Smushed-Face Nick, made a sick power move by creating his own date card and his own mini one-on-one date including champagne and strawberries. This guy’s on fire after locking down the first impression rose last week. After Chris the Farmer, I’d be most threatened by Smushed-Face Nick if I was on the show.
Things also went well for Josh M., the former pro baseball player who looks like every former pro baseball player ever. (Also, “former pro baseball player” is an awesome way to say “unemployed.”) Josh is super-duper handsome (just ask Craig), so he pretty much babbled like an idiot for five minutes until Andi gave in and kissed him. Things are easy for good-looking guys.
And then there’s Craig, who tried to make up for his intoxicated debacle by whipping out a guitar and singing an apology. Because, of course he would.
AND IT DID NOT WORK AT ALL. Despite his efforts, Craig got the ax, but he wasn’t the only one. Firefighter Carl and Baldheaded Nick S. also couldn’t get any love from Andi. Now look, I totally get why Andi didn’t choose Craig — he was a waste-case — but it is beyond me that she picked the opera singer Bradley and FREAKING TASOS over Carl and Nick S. That’s just crazy in my opinion. But I guess I’m not The Bachelorette, so…
Until next time, stay safe and try not to drink as much as Craig!
— Andrew Gruttadaro