The offseason’s over — it’s time to stop fussing over what’s been said and let the duck calls do the talking. Willie’s adopted daughter has arrived, Uncle Si’s sick, and Phil is still Phil. Welcome back to ‘Duck Dynasty.’
Duck Dynasty returned to A&E recharged and fully staffed on Jan. 15, with Phil Robertson still at the head of the family, and new characters like Rebecca Robertson, Willie‘s 24-year-old adopted daughter, stepping in to shake things up. And because everyone seems to hang on the Robertson’s every word, let’s recap the premiere (and the follow-up episode) by counting down the shows’ best quotes.
‘Duck Dynasty’ Season 5 Premiere: The 5 Best Quotes
“Group texts are the worst. They’re like a terrible, technological snowball, coming down a mountain, and you can’t stop it.” — Jase Robertson
To be fair, Jase is totally right on this one. A better way for Willie to tell the fam about Rebecca’s surprise homecoming party would have been to just tell everyone during the duck hunt. The more important point is, Rebecca, the Asian exchange student turned honorary Robertson turned LA fashion intern, is coming home (for, to Willie’s dismay, an undetermined amount of time)… And she doesn’t exactly fit in with everyone, for reasons I’m sure Phil has noticed. But Rebecca seems to have a “business plan,” so her return to Louisiana isn’t as problematic as we were initially led to believe.
“I have had the dragon pox, the andromeda strain, the black breath… that stunk.” — Uncle Si
But for all the things Si has had in his billion years on earth, apparently he’s never had the flu until now. He’s doing what any loving family member does when they’re hawking up bird flu loogeys — squatting at his brother’s house. I love the way Si eases his way into Phil and Kay’s house by likening his home life to Kevin McAllister’s in Home Alone.
“It’s about a dog that plays basketball. These are classics.” — Uncle Si
The best medicine for a flu is the entire Air Bud series. They’re way better than the Bourne movies, which big Phil prefers. Si knows best — he’s a straight up connoisseur.
“The last thing I wanna hire is more family — especially Korie’s.” — Willie Robertson
In the second episode of premiere night, the Duck Commander CEO is tasked with finding an assistant. And since literally everyone who has ever eaten dinner with Willie has a job at Duck Commander, Korie assumes that her cousin, John David, will be perfect for the opening. Except John David sing-speaks the words “flip flops,” and Willie thinks he’s a “slob,” which is ironic because he looks just like Willie. John David gets the job because he and Willie bond over Nacho Libre. However, it takes a fully inflated basketball to get Jase on Johnny D’s side.
“You know what you kids need to do? Get out there in the mud, find any kind of dung, pick it and up throw it at each other.” — Phil Robertson
Before the kids go on an Uncle Si-sanctioned treasure hunt, more wisdom bombs from big Phil. And maybe an explanation for why Uncle Si as sick as a dog in the first episode.
So what were your favorite moments of the first two episodes of season five of Duck Dynasty? Let me know!
— Andrew Gruttadaro