We’re getting close to the end of the wild ride that’s been ‘American Horror Story: Coven,’ so needless to say, some people died tonight. Actually, scratch that— many people died tonight. Don’t read on if you don’t want to know who bit it!
American Horror Story has never shied away from horrifyingly graphic massacres, and they nearly outdid themselves in “Protect the Coven.” It was madness. Additionally, we got to see the gruesome beginnings of Madame LaLaurie’s (Kathy Bates) controversial habit, the aftermath of Queenie’s (Gabourey Sidibe) shooting, and some serious Marie (Angela Bassett) and Fiona (Jessica Lange) lady-bonding. Plus, find out who is headed to Disney World (this is not a joke) below!
‘AHS: Coven’: Guts & Glory
As per the usual, so much happened during “Protect the Coven” that I’m still struggling to get my head straight — like, now that The Corporation is gone, do we even have a villain now? Will it just come down to Fiona versus the upcoming Supreme in the end? Why is LaLaurie still even happening? Who knows. Let’s start with Fiona and Marie and figure it out from there.
Fiona and Marie’s only concern tonight was offing the witch-hunting Corporation, so the potential Supremes enjoyed a brief respite from fearing for their lives. The Axeman (Danny Huston) also reared his head, and it looks like things with the real-life serial killer and Fiona are as hot and heavy as ever. Axeman was ready and willing to murder the next Supreme, throw away his axe, and retire into a peaceful life with Fiona, but the reigning Supreme had one last request — a mass murder, of course!
I cannot for the life of me understand why The Corporation — who have been hunting witches since the dawn of time — came so unprepared to a meeting on their own turf, but they did, and Fiona, Marie, and the Axeman slaughtered all of them.
The ladies came in and chatted with dearly departed Hank’s dad, making all of these outrageous demands while the grieving-ish father tried his best to arrange a peace treaty. When he said no to Marie’s private jet query, Fiona presented him with option number two: “Then here’s my other offer — you can all just die.”
I don’t think I need to tell you what happened next. The Axeman — whose degree of mortality is still baffling to me — appeared out of nowhere and chopped everyone into pieces. So, happy endings all around for that plot line, though I highly doubt that Fiona will ride off into the sunset with the Axeman on her broomstick now that this one group of villains is out of the way.
Back at Coven HQ, everyone was finally beginning to realize that Fiona and Marie might not have their best interests at heart. Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) cast a spell that rendered her able to see Nan’s bathtub murder (Fiona told everyone she’d fallen in the tub), and Queenie — who is alive, BTW — was furious at Marie for leaving her behind after the shooting. Queenie returned to the Coven with Madame LaLaurie back in one piece (more on her in a second), and the fact that she survived a silver bullet to the brain has me thinking that the living voodoo doll is the real next Supreme. Though I do kind of hope it’s Madison (Emma Roberts), because her campaign promise that there would be “crotchless panties for everyone” under her regime was pretty solid. I mean, I’d vote for her solely on that issue.
One person who is definitely not the next Supreme is Cordelia (Sarah Paulson), but the big C proved her worth tonight in what was arguably the episode’s most visually unsettling scene. Frustrated with no longer having “the sight,” Cordelia wasted two perfectly good eyeballs (and lives — those eyeballs once belonged to people!) by stabbing herself in both peepers! We still don’t know if her “sight” has been restored, but since Misty needs to get the hell out of that mausoleum and needs to communicate with a clairvoyant witch to do it, I’d put my money on yes.
Fiona was super pissed about the whole thing, but Myrtle (Frances Conroy) — who, for the second week in a row, is the show’s MVP — put things into perspective: “Your daughter has become something you’ll never understand, Fiona. She’s a hero.”
Basically, Myrtle and Cordelia are hoping that “the sight” will help them see the threats that are coming and save the Coven, though after tonight I’m not so sure that there’s even a Coven to be saved.
‘AHS: Coven’: Betrayal & Benadryl
We all basically understand who AHS‘ version of LaLaurie is at this point in the game, so I’m not quite sure why the show gave us the Dexter-like side plot of LaLaurie reconnecting with her dark passenger. I especially didn’t like it because I’m sick of the gratuitous shots of LaLaurie slicing and dicing innocent black people, but what can you do?
With her head and her housekeeping job once again properly intact, LaLaurie went right back to being miserable. The source of her misery — besides her own wicked soul, of course — is Marie, so when ghost Spalding appeared with a way to get rid of the immortal voodoo priestess once and for all, LaLaurie bought everything he said hook, line, and sinker. The thing is, Spalding being Spalding, all he really wanted was one of his dolls back, and his big scheme to take out Marie ended up being just a knife and a packet of “magic” Benadryl. Which, to be fair, was hilarious.
So later in the evening, while Fiona was having post-massacre thank you sex with the Axeman, LaLaurie “poisoned” Marie’s cocktail and stabbed her in the heart. It was a mere flesh wound for the supernatural being, but it was also enough to royally piss her off. “This ain’t magic, it’s an antihistamine,” she said, seething. “And the only thing I’m allergic to is you.”
I thought that this would end up being the end of LaLaurie, but unfortunately, it might be the end of Marie instead. Spalding showed up to bonk Marie the head because I guess ghosts can hit people now, so LaLaurie is planning to use Marie’s Benadryl-and-bonk-induced coma to bury her alive until the end of time. Or until next week. We’ll see how it all plays out.
Oh, and it should also be noted that that baby from last week is still very much alive, though now it’s been dealt the unfortunate fate of being Spalding’s first and only “living doll” so… yeah. That’s pretty dark, even for American Horror Story.
‘AHS: Coven’: Love & Leaving
Of course, it wasn’t all death and destruction back at Coven HQ. Even though I don’t really care about the suddenly verbose Kyle (Evan Peters), I do worry about Zoe — and telling Madison that you like someone better than her is never a good idea. It’s an even worse idea than refusing a Madison blow job, which also happened.
“You think you can just throw me away for some junior varsity mallrat?” Madison yelled, clearly humiliated by Kyle’s rebuff. Yeah, this is going to get bad. I mean, just ask Misty.
Fortunately Myrtle, my Goddess, recognized the threat that both Fiona and Madison posed for the couple, so she hatched a brilliant little scheme to get them the hell out of dodge, forever. She also said the words “in the fall, the rotting leaves smell like an olympian’s ejaculate” which has nothing to do with anything, but it was a great line so I selfishly wanted to include it. (We also learned that Myrtle was once married to Diane von Furstenberg’s current husband, but she was cool with him leaving her because his influence helped Diane create the best invention of the 20th century — the wrap dress. God, Myrtle is brilliant. Have I mentioned yet that I love Myrtle?)
Zoe didn’t really want to leave her witchy life behind, but when Kyle expressed his innermost desire to KILL KILL KILL she realized that a swift departure was probably for the best. So she took Myrtle’s advice and hopped on the next bus to Orlando (Epcot, to be exact) with her sexy, Frankenstein-y beau in tow. Will they make it to Disney in one piece? Who knows. This show is anything but predictable.
What did you think of the episode, fellow AHS fans? Do you think it’s weird that Myrtle got Zoe and Kyle tickets to Epcot instead of Magic Kingdom or Disney’s Hollywood Studios? Will LaLaurie successfully rid the world of Marie? Can Cordelia save the Coven? Let me know in the comments!
— Shaunna Murphy