‘Game Of Thrones’ returned March 31, revealing a bright future for the khaleesi & an ominous warning for those beyond the wall.
After a lot of wheezing and slow-running, Sam managed to escape an angry, axe-wielding White Walker on the third season premiere of Game Of Thrones — only to admit that he did not, in fact, send out any of the warning ravens. There’s no easy way to put this, so I’ll just say it: We all gonna die!
*CUE THE OPENING CREDITS*
Jon Snow (Kit Harington) finally came face-to-face with the dreaded Mance Rayder, who turned out be far less dreadful than I once dreaded. When he wasn’t making insane threats, he was actually a pretty jolly guy — though he became considerably less jolly when he learned that Craster has been giving his newborn sons over to the White Walkers as offerings. This revelation bonded Mance and Jon, an instant bromance that resulted in “new robes.” Perks, already!
Daenerys’ Close Encounter At Astapor
We’re used to seeing a bevy of nipples on Game of Thrones, but Daenerys’ (Emilia Clarke) story line this week introduced us to a dark new concept: nipple violence! Allow me to explain…
The Dothraki, with their three medium-sized dragon babies in tow, arrived at Astapor, where they hoped to purchase an army. Once there, they encountered a total dick-face who presented a massive collection of devoted soldiers known as the Unsullied — a group of men so fearless that one gladly got his nipple cut off to prove his loyalty.
The dick-face also spoke valyrian and belittled the khaleesi, unaware that Daenerys, whose native tongue is valyrian, knew everything coming out of his filthy little mouth. (I smell regret in his future.)
But things at Astapor got really effed up when Daenerys encountered a little-girl warlock that released a scorpion to kill her. Were it not for a mysterious hooded man — who turned out to be none other than Sir Barriston — intervening, those dragons could have ended up orphans. Looks like the khaleesi has a powerful new ally!
The Lannisters’ Family Feud
Over at King’s Landing, the Lannisters remained the picture-perfect family. After accusing Cersei (Lena Headey) of trying to have him killed, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) then chatted with Tywin, who refused to name him the heir of Casterly Rock, calling him a greedy, spiteful little creature. He also said that if he finds another whore in Tyrion’s bed, he’ll have her hanged, which was way harsh.
Meanwhile, King Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) got a surprising lesson in diplomacy from his new fiancée Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer), who is basically the Princess Diana of Westeros. Cersei scoffed at the idea of actually being ‘kind’ and mingling with peasants, but her son didn’t seem nearly as disgusted with the concept.
Stannis, The Old Man & The Sea
The Battle of Blackwater may have claimed most of Stannis’ (Stephen Dillane) army, but the premiere revealed that one of his most loyal gentlemen, Sir Davos, is still alive and well; he was rescued at sea by a literal boat-load of Stannis supporters.
But Davos’ return to Dragonstone wasn’t exactly the ‘welcome home’ party he was hoping it’d be. Right away, he got into a scuffle with Melisandre (Carice Van Houten) — you know, the usual, “She’s the mother of demons!” talk — which got him immediately tossed in prison. That treacherous bi-atch Melly has Stannis wrapped around her little red finger more than ever before, and it doesn’t take a prophetic priestess to know that no good will come of any of this.
HollywoodLifers, what did you think of the premiere? Any favorite/least favorite moments? Drop a comment and tell us what you’re most excited to see in season three!
— Andy Swift