Good grief! The Oct. 8 season premiere of ‘90210’ was somehow a romantic comedy, a medical drama & an episode of ‘TRL.’ And it was phenomenal.
I have a million things to say about 90210‘s fifth season premiere, so let’s start with Dixon (Tristan Wilds): Did anyone really think he was going to die? Honestly, now. We all knew he wasn’t one of those other three randos in the morgue — rest in peace, brothers — but at least his lingering fate finally gave Shenae Grimes a chance to remind us all what an A+ actress she is.
Dixon’s little hiccup also gave Mama Wilson (Lori Loughlin) a reason to fly home to her baby birds — and apparently she flew there in a private jet, which Jen hooked up for her. It was delightful to see Deb again, but there was one awkward moment where she gave an impromptu speech about how parents eventually need to let their kids go. Sorry, all I heard was: “I moved to France with your hot teacher and told no one.”
NAOMI & MAX:
I’m legitimately not sure how I’m supposed to feel about Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord) and Max’s (Josh Zuckerman) relationship. I never fully got them as a pair, so when Max told her there was “some kind of irresistible force” drawing them together, I just wanted to take him aside and explain to him how wrong he was.
But because I haven’t mastered the art of communicating with fictional characters through my TV screen, Max proposed, Naomi accepted, and they both lived happily ever after. Well, except for the part where they got lost in the wilderness, forced into a high-speed police chase, then arrested. Fortunately they were put in “TV jail,” so their judge not only let them both go, but also officiated their wedding.
Of course, Naomi and Max still have one obstacle to overcome: Max’s shady-ass roommate-turned-business partner told Naomi straight-up that he won’t let her ruin Max’s life — again.
LIAM & ANNIE:
One of my favorite parts about the premiere was also the most subtle: Annie and Liam’s (Matt Lanter) unspoken desire to hit the sheets. Seriously, did anyone catch the “we should still be together” moment between them at the beginning of the episode?
Liam: “I guess we both know how to pick ’em, huh?”
Annie: “We used to.”
Come on, now! Plus, Liam totally put his arm around Annie at the morgue. It wasn’t exactly a candlelit dinner, but it was somehow still more romantic than Naomi and Max’s wedding.
Vanessa (Arielle Kebbel) is also, unfortunately, still around — but I have a feeling the insurance money Liam will get for his burnt-down bar will get him out of his $200,000 contract with her. (Bye, bitch!)
SILVER & TEDDY:
Despite what the misleading promos wanted us to believe, Silver (Jessica Stroup) and Teddy (Trevor Donovan) did not share in the joy of sexy times this week — but that doesn’t mean we won’t still be getting the genetically flawless baby we’ve been promised! After much internal struggle, Teddy agreed to Silver’s request: “I’m not expecting much. Just sperm and a card at Christmas.”
Apparently chilling with those corpses at the morgue helped Teddy to realize that “life is short.” So, basically, his justification for making a baby with Silver is “YOLO.” Nice.
How is it possible that the most meant-to-be couple on the show right now is a soon-to-be-pregnant girl and her gay best friend?
ADRIANNA & SO MANY GUYS:
Remember when Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes) gave herself the nickname “No Drama” Adrianna? Apparently now it’s “No Standards” Adrianna, because she literally hopped in bed with the first pirate-bearded dude that bought her a drink in Vegas. Fortunately for her, the rando (Wes Brown) turned out to be handsome and charming and perfect. He’s also a creeper, but she doesn’t know that — yet.
Side note: In what world would Adrianna follow Carly Rae Jepsen on a Las Vegas stage? Isn’t she still known in the industry as “that crazy bitch who stole songs from her dead partner?” At this point, I’m just shocked she isn’t performing at Six Flags, to be honest.
It should also be noted that this was probably the last time we’ll be seeing Austin (Justin Deeley). Wherever he disappears to, I hope he and Ethan and Jasper have a wonderful time bro-ing out together.
1. This may be inappropriate time to point out, but when the whole gang was gathered around Dixon’s hospital bed, all I could think was: “Wow, Silver has slept with every guy in this room.”
2. That coroner should be fired immediately. Why would he let Teddy look at three different corpses before conveniently remember a fourth, surviving, passenger?
I now leave you with this glorious still of Liam’s hair blowing in the wind, for no apparent reason — and yet, for every reason.
— Andy Swift
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