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‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’: Season One’s 10 Craziest Lessons

Thu, September 27, 2012 3:17pm EDT by Billy Nilles 6 Comments
Honey Boo Boo
Courtesy of TLC

With season one of ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ behind us, it’s time we look back and remember the zaniness that we witnessed this summer! Read on to find out the 10 craziest things I took away from this season.

A nation mourns as season one of TLC’s summer hit Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has come to an end with an hour-long finale on Wednesday, Sept. 26. Sure, we have the just-ordered new season and holiday specials to look forward to, but that requires patience! So, to hold ourselves over, let’s look back at the 10 craziest things I learned from Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson and her family this summer.

10. Gay Pigs Deserve Respect Too!

In the first week of episodes, Alana’s parents, June Shannon and Mike “Sugar Bear” Thompson, gifted the precocious tot with a teacup piglet that Alana quickly named Glitzy. It didn’t matter that Glitzy was a boy pig, Alana was going to dress Glitzy like a girl to make him gay because, as she said, “You can’t tell that pig what to do!” This was the first of many moments in the season that Alana would present herself as an unlikely proponent of gay rights.

9. If You Adopt A Gay Pig, He Will Poop On Your Kitchen Table

In the second week of episodes, while the Boo Boo Family were participating in a weight loss challenge, the family had a weigh-in in the kitchen. Alana, not wanting to be separated from her dear Glitzy, brought the oinker along and plopped him on the tabletop. Midway through the weigh-in, Glitzy decided to demonstrate the quickest way the family could drop a few pounds and just pooped all over the table! If poop on your kitchen table can’t curb your appetite for a few days, I don’t know what can.

8. Extreme Couponing Is Better Than Sex

During the second week of episodes, mama June revealed herself to be the coupon queen of McIntyre, Georgia, which accounted for the bananas-crazy stockpile of paper towel, toilet paper, and soap in her kitchen. After explaining that her couponing was better than sex, she took her brood, and us lucky viewers at home, along for a sensuous sojourn to the Piggly Wiggly, where she showed off her skills by calculating how to get 14 packets of chocolate milk mix for free. Sexy!

7. Gay Pigs Are Loud If You Don’t Feed Them, Or Even If You Do

It turns out that a part of pet pig ownership is feeding the animal because animals can’t do that for themselves, the lazy jerks. Well, June often found herself too busy to remember to feed dear Glitzy, so he squealed a lot. Like, all the livelong day. June couldn’t take the squeals any longer, so she needed to figure out a Plan B. Short of traumatizing her family and eating Glitzy for lunch, June decided the little fella needed to go back to the breeder. Adios, Glitzy!

6. Chain-Smoking Goats Exist, And They Stink

While preparing for their inexplicable Christmas in July Canned Food Drive, Sugar Bear got into one of his three Santa Claus costumes. June thought he looked “smexy,” but Sugar Bear was sure he stunk like a chain-smoking goat. Merry Christmas!

5. Mama June Has A ‘Forklift Foot,’ And It’s Not Pretty

Once upon a time, June had a forklift drive right over one of her little feet, horribly mangling it. Since then, she has never removed her sock from that foot, which makes the idea of showering seem complicated, to say the least. However, during a trip to the water park, June decided to finally show her girls what it looked like. Even her daughters were repulsed.

4. Mama June Won’t Marry Sugar Bear

Throughout the season, June continually informed the audience that she was terrified of the “M” word — marriage, that is. She’s been with Sugar Bear for eight years, but she refuses to marry him. During a sit down dinner, one of her girls asks her why she’s afraid. She mostly hedges the question until one of her girls farts on another, the way most things end with this family.

3. Alana & Co. Love June’s ‘Sketti’

In one of the only instances all season of June cooking, she introduced the world to what a gourmand she is with her “Sketti” recipe. It’s so easy, you, too, can try it at home! Step one: Boil pasta. Step two: Throw pasta at wall to see if it sticks. Step three: Melt a bowl of ketchup and butter in the microwave and pour over pasta. Step four: Puke!

2. Mama June’s Favorite Sport Is Bingo

Enough said.

1. If You Win People’s Choice At Your Pageant, Your Former Pet Pig Will Appear For A Visit

At the final pageant of her summer, Alana wasn’t able to wow the judges, but she did take the honor of People’s Choice. Wanting to give their daughter something special at her last pageant, June and Sugar Bear arrange for a surprise visit from Glitzy! Alana is overjoyed, though, not surprisingly, Glitzy beings squealing up a storm. He goes back to the breeder pretty quickly.

What did you think of this season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, HollywoodLifers? Is there something I missed on my list? Let me know in the comments below!

— Billy Nilles

More Honey Boo Boo News:

  1. Honey Boo Boo Child Abuse Investigation — Are June Shannon & Sugar Bear Bad Parents?
  2. Honey Boo Boo’s Family Has A Criminal Past
  3. Honey Boo Boo Family Fathers: Convicted Felons