Warning: Stop reading if you haven’t seen the fifth season finale of ‘True Blood.’ (Spoilers ahoy!)
Oh. My. Vampire. God. After a hit-or-miss season, True Blood‘s Aug. 26 finale was a non-stop barrage of perfection. When the dust finally settled, we were left with four characters dead, five characters born, and one mind-blowing question we’ll be pondering until June 2013: Is this really the end of the road for Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer)?
Let’s break it all down, plot by crazy-awesome plot:
Bill Compton, vampire… god?
Lilith’s “chosen one” went fifty shades of cray in the season’s final hour, tricking Salome (Valentina Cervi) into drinking silver — we all knew she was going to die, no surprise there — then chugging all of Lilith’s blood for himself. Even an impassioned speech from Sookie (Anna Paquin) couldn’t keep Bill from quenching his thirst, which led to his shocking death — and even more shocking rebirth as the new vampire god! As I predicted, it looks like Bill will be the big bad of season six. Talk about a cliffhanger…
(Side note: Bill looked weird all naked and covered in blood. I wish we’d gotten a full body shot so we could if he followed in Lilith’s un-groomed footsteps. Oh, come on, we were all thinking it!)
A moment of silence for Russell Edgington:
Let’s back up a bit; The night’s first major death was also one of the most unexpected. Russell (Denis O’Hare) was making his way towards his buffet of fairies, unfazed by their collective magic, when Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) suddenly burst onto the scene — with an emphasis on burst. After a fun little light show, the once-feared Russell was reduced to a pile of guts. I’m glad Eric was able to get justice for his family, but it felt a little too easy. Anybody else feel like Russell’s demise was too rushed?
Good night, Luna:
The shifters managed to free Emma from the Authority, but her escape may have come with a hefty price tag. Luna (Janina Gavankar) skin-walked into everyone’s favorite “gay vampire American” Steve Newlin (Michael McMillian) to sneak her daughter out unnoticed, but the whole plan went to s**t when Rosalyn (Carolyn Hennesy) forced her/him to do a live interview. Luna shifted back on live national television, then collapsed after attempting to warn the public about the Authority.
This understandably pissed off Rosalyn, who wanted to make a tasty lunch out of Luna, but Sam (Sam Tramell) intervened with yet another brilliant plan. He flew into Rosalyn’s mouth — as a fly — then shifted back, causing her to explode from the inside out. It was a gross, but totally fitting, end to her sassy existence.
“I knew it,” the Tara & Pam story:
Bill’s baby vamp pretty much took the words out of every Truebie’s mouth when Tara (Rutina Wesley) and Pam (Kristin Bauer Van Straten) shared their first kiss in the dungeon of the Authority. I don’t even care that they’re technically mother and daughter — I’m just glad Tara finally found herself a good woman. And I’m really curious to see what their relationship is like in season six.
“Tonight, we choose pack”:
The werewolf subplot sort of became interesting this week, as Alcide (Joe Manganiello) took a stand against J.D. And by “took a stand,” I mean he drank a s**t load of V and killed him with his bare hands in front of the entire pack. So it looks like Alcide is the new packmaster. Again. Is anyone else a little tired of the werewolves?
“My light broke”:
One of the nicest surprises of the night was Maurella’s sudden labor, which turned out to be equal parts hilarious and ridiculous. Not only did Andy (Chris Bauer) have to come clean to Holly (Lauren Bowles) about his fairy on the side — but he also had to watch as she delivered not one, but four little fairy babies! As an added bonus, running commentary was provided by Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis), Arlene (Carrie Preston) and a drunk-ass Jane Bodehouse.
After popping out her quartet, Maurella took off into the night, leaving Andy as a sudden single father of four. Am I the only one who would totally watch this subplot as a separate spin-off? Andy raising four fairy babies with the help of Merlotte’s finest is a sitcom that basically writes itself. Every episode would end with Lafayette saying something sassy like, “Bitch, I don’t get paid enough for this.” Cue freeze frame. Cue applause. Cue Emmy.
I’m sure you have a million thoughts after that crazy finale, so let’s hear ’em: Were you glad Russell finally met the true death, or were you hoping he’d stick around? How glad were you when Pam and Tara kissed? Do you think Bill can be saved? Drop me a comment with your full reaction to this game-changing season finale!
— Andy Swift
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