This week we say goodbye to Glitzy the Pig, learn what deer hanging is, and get left on a surprisingly dire cliffhanger!
Welcome back, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo fans! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas, won’t you?
We open on the Boo Boo family decorating the house for Christmas in July because why not? It turns out the family likes to decorate their lawn in a bunch of garish Christmas inflatables in the middle of the Georgian summer to collect canned food and toys for local charities, or to help Alana know which house is hers. One of those.
What To Do With Glitzy the Pig? … Murrrrder???
With the house decorated, it’s time to focus on more pressing matters, like what to do with Glitzy the Pig. June can’t handle Glitzy anymore, because she’s too busy buying irrational amounts of paper towels to, you know, feed him. And when she doesn’t feed him, he squeals because, as June says, “everybody squeals when they’re hungry,” which is news to me.
Honestly, in the moment when they showed June, from the other room, watching Glitzy squeal in his pen, there was a quick second where you can literally see her consider killing the pig. I swear it. Luckily, she just decides to send the oinker back to the breeder from whence he came. Her excuse to the family is that they have “enough pets for every boy in China,” but not every girl because everyone knows there aren’t any of those.
We get a look back at Glitzy’s brief time as a member of the Boo Boo family which means, of course, we’re treated to a replay of Glitzy pooping on the table, because TLC needed to fill their weekly quota of making me vomit and there wasn’t any neck crust in this episode.
Mud Boggin’ With Crazy Tony
With Glitzy gone, it’s time to find a new way to cheer Alana up, so the family takes her four-wheeler riding out at their good friend Crazy Tony’s house, which sounds like a totally great idea. Apparently the ride out to ol’ Insane Anthony’s is a long one because Jessica, who you’ll remember is 15 and ever the little lady, tells her family and the cameras that she’s “gotta take a s***.” Charming!
Immediately upon their arrival, Mentally Ill Antony ties a rope to the feet of one of the Boo Boo brood and hangs her upside down from the tree. You know, like you do. This is apparently a fun little game, but it looks to me like child abuse at the hand of a creepy family friend. Potato, potahto — am I right?
Before the whole clan can get to their mud boggin’, Psycho Toni really wants to earn his name and shows off some sick moves on his four-wheeler, wherein he immediately flips it over onto himself. Once it’s confirmed that he still has a face, everyone gets to mud boggin’, which just means riding a four-wheeler really fast through muddy waters and getting really dirty. You know, just a normal Tuesday. You’d better redneckonize!
Crazy Tony then decides he hasn’t done enough to potentially kill one of June’s kids and pulls the girls behind his four-wheeler on an inner tube. Look, I’ve ridden plenty of inner tubes in my day, but, you know, out on deep water in a lake. Not in what appeared to be three-feet-deep mud because I treasure my teeth. They try to get June onto a tube, but she won’t. One of her kids jokes “You need a doggone crane to lift that big thing up” because har har June is fat, don’t you know?
Not A Creature Was Stirring, Not Even A Chain-Smoking Goat
After everyone’s been sufficiently caked in dirt, it’s Christmas time. Sugar Bear pulls down his case of three Santa Claus suits from the closet, and we all pretend that’s a totally normal thing to have. While June’s watching him get dressed, she calls him “smexy,” which must be a combination of the words “smelly” and “sexy” because Sugar Bear says the suit smelled like a chain-smoking goat, a phrase for which I have no words. Also, June finds clipped toenails in her bed. You’d better redneckonize!
Out on the lawn, Sugar Bear has a line of little girls carrying soup cans, waiting to sit on his lap. I was confused what these little girls thought they were getting out of this arrangement. Here they are bringing Santa their hard-earned soup, and all they get is a lie that they’ll be given what they asked for in a whopping six months? Seems pretty uneven to me. Maybe that’s why only 12 show up.
One girl asks Santa Claus why he has so much hair and Sugar Bear responds it’s because he’s 2,000 years old, which, sure. The same girl never stopped rubbing one of her eyes the entire time she was on camera, probably because she was trying to figure out if this was all a weird, fever dream, like I was.
June sits on Sugar Bear’s lap and, as he tells the camera, “When [she] sat on my lap, she didn’t really ask for nothing, but I couldn’t feel my feet.” No word on whether they needed a doggone crane to get her off. Sugar Bear needed to get in the bath, though, because he smelled “like a bowl of oyster stew.” Luxury!
Anna’s Early Contractions
Suddenly, it’s two hours later and pregnant Anna is in serious pain on the couch. June tells us that she’s having contractions, even though she has six weeks left to go in her pregnancy. June tells Anna she can’t go pee until the paramedics arrive, because she doesn’t want her to “have [the baby] in the damn toilet.” After help arrives, Anna and June rush off to the hospital in the ambulance and we’re left to worry for a week.
Do you think Anna will deliver early? Will you miss Glitzy? Have you ever seen a chain-smoking goat? You’d better redneckonize and leave me a comment below, HollywoodLifers!
– Billy Nilles
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