'True Blood' Recap: Sookie & Bill Wage War

Courtesy of HBO (2)

Humans vs. vampires vs. fairies? It’s getting hard to keep track of the sides — and the casualties.

With only one more episode until True Blood‘s fifth season finale, we’ve basically reached an ‘every species for itself’ situation. While the humans threatened full-on war with the vampires Aug. 19, Russell (Denis O’Hare) went on a fairy-nomming rampage — and somehow, Sookie (Anna Paquin) and Bill (Stephen Moyer) each found themselves “chosen” to lead their people. The long, messy breakup continues…

The End of the Authority?

No one in the Authority can be trusted — least of all Lilith, their perpetually naked goddess. The bloody vampire deity proved she’s also bloody crazy Aug. 19, privately calling each council member her “chosen one,” thus pitting them all against each other. When Chancellor Kibwe tried to claim chosen-ness, Bill gave him the Queen of Hearts treatment. (Bye bye, head!)

Mean-old Bill also tried to make Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) turn Jason (Ryan Kwanten) into a vampire, but instead she assassinated the Authority guards and made a break for it. Needless to say, this little run-in didn’t help Jason’s already-rocky relationship with vampires.

At this point, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and Nora (Lucy Griffiths) are the only Authority members free from Lilith’s spell, and they celebrated their spiritual freedom the best way they knew how: Crazy sex! Oh, and they also ran away, but my mind was still focused on the sex.

Pam & her ‘f***ing baby vamps.’

Rosalyn (Carolyn Hennesy) eventually tracked down Jessica while looking for her own progeny — remember Elijah, that vampire with the awful wig who Tara (Rutina Wesley) beheaded last week? — so she took her back to Bill, along with Pam who was arrested for Elijah’s murder.

That’s right, Pam actually took the fall for Tara — which is one of the many reasons why Tara wants to do filthy, unspeakable things to her maker. During an impromptu moment of girl talk, Jessica basically tricked Tara into admitting to her crush, even though she claimed it’ll “never happen.”

Right. I’m thinking we’ll see Pam and Tara do a little family bonding before next week’s finale is over — no matter how gross that statement was.

Run, fairies, run!

Speaking of bats**t crazy, Sookie (Anna Paquin) and friends called upon the fairy elder to shed some light on their Warlow situation, only to discover she was a little… off. Between spurts of wisdom, she would also pose slightly less philosophical concepts, like, “Ke$ha! For or against?” (Personally, I would have said “for,” but Sookie opted for her usual “stare blankly” routine.)

When Russell and Steve arrived at the fairies’ gate, after glamouring Jason to lead the way, the kooky elder stepped forward to fend them off — but like all vampire-fairy battles thus far, it didn’t take long for Russell to drain her like a juice box. (Seriously, when are these girls going to learn?)

Now Russell holds a golden ticket to an all-you-can-eat fairy buffet — and he’s got a serious case of the munchies.

How do you predict Sookie will escape Russel THIS time? And is Bill shaping up to become next season’s big-bad? You know some people are going to die on next week’s finale, so drop me a comment with your best guesses!

— Andy Swift

Follow @AndySwift

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I’m hoping they bring in Sookie’s Faery grandfather to kill Russell! Niall for the win!

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Aren’t faries supposed to have certain powers? I find this year is the worst for storylines. Now it’s bordering on comical. Too much crap going on. It’s hard to keep track of who is doing what and when. Let’s hope next season is a better one than this year. If not they are going to lose a lot of viewers.

Fairies are, generally, supposed to be strong enough to fight off vampires … but I guess they really wanted to build Russell up as the strongest vampire on the show — first by killing Roman, and now by killing the fairy elder.

But I agree … Less story lines next year, please!

I was thinking while Russel was sucking they should have snuck in from behind and zap is ass.. behead him at the very least.

If I was Sookie and the other fairies, I would just simply get a nice bow (or perhaps a few bows) and some sweet silver arrows and shoot Russell and whatever vampires were at my fairy doorstep. Since the fairies are protected and concealed, there’s no real danger to them… Aim for the heart, and ta da!!! Honestly, use your brains people (or fairies or whatever)!

Or perhaps some silver ammo… something better than stepping out and giving Russell the key to your place… honestly… worst storyline/plot ever.

I really thought that wack-job elder would be able to beat Russell… I was wrong.

Alright, those Faeries are going to HAVE to get with the program. I can’t believe they just stood there and watched their oldest member get sucked dry (well…obviously they did so that they have something exciting for the finale, but it seemed pretty dumb of them to all just stand there)

In our review, we totally gave a “love” shout-out to a Tara/Pam coupling, too…even if that does mean more True Blood incest

Totally forgot that vamps could fly!