Meanwhile, the rest of the Starks were devastated to learn that Theon (Alfie Allen) had seized control of Winterfell; and to add insult to injury, he brutally murdered Rodrick Cassel (Ron Donachie) — in front of Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright)! It’s like the universe is determined to behead every last one of little Bran’s father figures until he’s completely traumatized.
Speaking of Starks being traumatized, even Sansa (Sophie Turner) couldn’t escape the family’s bad luck this week. As a result of her “beloved” Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) causing a riot against the royals, she was almost raped by a trio of smelly peasants — until the Hound showed up and literally ripped her attackers to pieces. As for Joffrey, good ol’ Uncle Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) was happy to tell him what a terrible job he was doing… in the form of a well-deserved slap.
But the new “head” of Winterfell wasn’t getting off to a great start, either. Theon learned it doesn’t pay to be a gentleman when, after sexy times with that crazy eyed savage Osha (Natalia Tena), his hygienically challenged bedmate seduced and killed one of his guards before running away.
Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) also came close to having a little sexy time of his own with his new wildling pal Ygritte (Rose Leslie). After killing her buddies and taking her as his prisoner, Jon laid his savage woman down in a snowy clearing for a rest. Somehow, even under their countless layers of animal hide, it was still totally hot.
And then there was poor Daenerys (Emilia Clarke), who came off more like a Disney princess this week than an all-powerful khaleesi. Insisting the she, the mother of dragons, was a person “whose dreams come true,” she demanded a fleet of Qarth’s ships — but wasn’t exactly granted her request. As a lovely parting gift, Daenerys returned from a walk with Xaro Xhoan (Nonso Anozie) to discover all of her guards had been slaughtered…
…and her dragons were being taken to the House of the Undying! (You know, where those creepy warlocks hang out. The ones who are so unfortunate looking that they should be required to warn people ahead of time before approaching them in public. They’re that ugly.)
FINAL DEATH COUNT: Nine identified deaths, plus an immeasurable amount of Dothraki guards and random street casualties.
FINAL BOOBS COUNT:Two (which is, surprisingly, two more than last week!)
Ah, another night full of twists and turns on Game of Thrones! How do you feel about this week’s developments? And is anyone else wondering when Stannis and his Shadow Baby mama are going to strike next? Hit up the comments section with your thoughts and theories!
— Andy Swift
More Game Of Thrones:
- Recap: Shadow Baby Claims Its First Victim
- Recap: A New Evil Is Born In Westeros
- Recap: A Spy Is Found At King’s Landing