And Quinn decides she wants full custody of the baby she gave to Shelby for adoption!
Sue: OK, I’m just not going to mention her going forward, until she does something other than “try to destroy New Directions.” Three seasons in, I’m done with this.
Will & Mike Chang: Mr. Schue enlists Mike to run “booty camp” with him — basically extra practice for those in the glee club who can’t dance. It gives us the chance to watch Matthew Morrison and Harry Shum Jr. dance, which is pleasant.
Emma, Beiste & Artie: Emma and Beiste are co-directing the school musical, West Side Story, with Artie as the student-director. I’m really disappointed with myself here, because at first I assumed Beiste was making a joke about her football team playing the New York Jets. But, upon hearing it again, I realized she really meant that her players would actually be in the musical as the gang the Jets. And I had this great line written, but unfortunately I can’t use it. Thus I am just subjecting you to my failure. Anyway …
Kurt: Not only is he running for class president, but he’s also auditioning for Tony in West Side Story. Things don’t go his way when he overhears Emma, Beiste and Artie say they wouldn’t believe him as the masculine former gang-member. Kurt breaks down in front of his dad, complaining that he’s not fit for the romantic, leading roles. Then this conversations between Burt Hummel and his son happens.
Burt: Dude, you’re gay.
Kurt: Excuse me?
Burt: You’re gay. And not you’re not like Rock Hudson gay, you’re really gay. You sing like Diana Ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.
Kurt: OK, why are you being so mean to me?
Burt: What is wrong with any of that? It’s who you are.
Blaine: He tells Kurt that, as a junior (how clever of them to keep working this in), he won’t be going for the role of Tony, but the supporting roles of Bernando or Officer Krupke. However, after he performs for the directors, it’s clear they want him for the lead. This is not going to go over well with his boyfriend. (Also, Darren Criss is so hot in this scene. I’m sorry, I’m a little obsessed.)
Brittany: At first, she offers to run Kurt’s campaign, trying to convince him to run with these flamboyantly pink, sparkled posters by telling him he’s a unicorn. But when Santana tells Brittany that she’s a unicorn too, Brittany decides to run for class president herself.
Santana: That is pretty much all she does the entire time.
Finn & Mercedes: They are basically relegated to the booty camp. But we hear Mercedes will be auditioning for the musical. Another diva-off will follow, I’m sure.
Rachel: She also has little to do here. She auditions for Maria (natch), and maybe starts to repair her relationship with her Shelby the birth mother, who wanted nothing to do with her before. Rachel did have my favorite line of the night with “Last minute, emergency audition? Say no more.”
Shelby Corcoran, Quinn & Puck: Shelby returns to Lima because Sugar Motta’s father wants her to run a rival glee club at McKinley that stars his painfully tone-deaf daughter. But more importantly, Shelby wants Quinn and Puck to be a part of their daughter Beth’s life. But Shelby won’t let Quinn have a relationship with Beth until Quinn cleans up her act. Quinn subsequently quits the skanks, dyes her hair back to blonde and re-joins the New Directions. But we know she’s faking it — she tells Puck she’ll do whatever it takes to get Beth back. Oh, and she wants full custody.
Barbra Streisand: OK, she wasn’t actually IN the episode, but they mentioned her twice. (Rachel, when she thinks Mr. Schue is going to ask her to student-direct the musical: “Barbra was 40 when she directed herself in Yentl, so it’s just too soon. And … Beiste, after Kurt informs them he’s auditioning with “I’m The Greatest Star Of Them All”: “Isn’t that a Streisand song?” Kurt: “I know what you’re thinking, but I got permission from the woman herself. Miss Rachel Berry.) So the big question is … when will Babs actually make her way to Glee?
“Somewhere”: This is half mother-daughter duet between Rachel and Shelby, and half Rachel’s audition for Maria. Idina Menzel is really one of the only matches for Lea Michele‘s vocals on the show (aside from Jonathan Groff — who really should come back — and Amber Riley) but I wish they’d let them sing something more birth mom – abandoned daughter appropriate. (Whatever that is? Maybe Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s In The Cradle”?) It makes some lyrical sense, and certainly isn’t as bad as “Poker Face” lyrics “bluffin with my muffin,” but I feel like it’s weird for a birth-mom-abandoned-daughter combo to sing this Tony-Maria tune. Call me crazy. (Really, I don’t mind.)
“I’m The Greatest Star Of Them All”: More Broadway is great, and Chris does a wonderful job, but it won’t light up the iTunes charts, I’m afraid.
“Something’s Coming”: Again, I love the Broadway, and you know how I feel about Darren. But the show is at its best when covering pop hits.
What did you think, HollywoodLifers?
– Denise Warner
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