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'Skating With The Stars' Recap — The Contestants Are Slowly Starting To Die.

Mon, December 6, 2010 9:37pm EDT by 3 Comments

Chopped up fingers! Vomiting skaters being rushed to the hospital! Is ‘Skating With the Stars’ finally getting interesting?

It’s time for another fun week of Skating With the Stars were we learned Bethenny Frankel has no rhythm, everyone on this show is on course to suffer some major injury and Vince Neil reaffirmed the fact that white men can not, in fact, jump.

Dressed as what I must assume was a UPS man Vince took to the ice as a man on a mission. Not quite sure what the mission was and it likely should have been aborted before it even began, but hey he didn’t fall this week! He did however jump about an inch off the ice and did look much more natural than Bethenny. Sadly this was not enough and Vincey went home. It’s for the better though dude, people are dying on this ice.

Oh, Bethenny, you are one clunky skater. I mean, you keep trying your best though and skating for America. You are the only one there who even loosely fits this “star” definition they seem to be casually throwing around so I am sure you are good through to the finals.

Jonny Moseley is straight up trying to murder his skating partner. Did you see their practice footage? He kept tripping and slamming the girl up. Then, he actually skated across her hand and almost took off her finger. Girl, what are you doing there still? You need to get out and find some nice tour of “Disney on Ice” before you leave there looking like an extra from The Walking Dead.

Rebecca Budig was again super boring because she’s an awesome skater and I kind of felt like I was watching an actual figure skating pair. I guess if there is no possibility of imminent death or permenant injury the performance loses a bit of its luster.

Then there is poor, poor Brandon Mychal Smith. The kid gets a stomach bug, vomits everywhere and THEY SHOWED THE FOOTAGE! “Oh, um, hey man, sorry you seem to be dying but can we just get this on film to show the national audience?”

The judges instead watched Brandon’s taped practice from the day before which was pretty good so assuming he does not in fact perish between now and next Monday we can all look forward to seeing him again. Especially since I think his partner is one of The Misfits from Jem which makes her infinitely more interesting to watch.

What did you think HollywoodLifers? Aren’t you so happy you will never have to skate with Jonny?

-Chris Spargo