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The handwritten note explains his reasons for his actions while also apologizing for the hurt he has caused his parents.

The suicide note of former Bachelorette contestant Julien Hug was read at his funeral Nov. 12 and detailed the extreme pain the 35-year-old was feeling. Radar Online reports that the handwritten note, left for his parents Denise and Bertrand, read, “I’ve suffered from severe depression for years. I feel awful and don’t know how to cope. If life’s not enjoyable, why stick around?”

The restaurateur also apologized to his parents for his actions saying, “This will hurt you. I’m sorry to have to do this to you. I love you both tremendously. You two are the best parents. You both are 99.999999999 better than most. You guys did it right.”

Julien’s body was found Nov. 3 off the highway in Riverseide County, about 90 miles east of Los Angeles. His full note is below.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m sorry to do this. I feel terribly about the grief I’ve caused. The phantom stomach aches that I have hurts me tremendously. I’ve suffered from severe depression for years. I feel awful and don’t know how to cope. If life’s not enjoyable, why stick around? This will hurt you. I’m sorry to have to do this to you. I love you both tremendously. You two are the best parents. You both are 99.999999999 better than most. You guys did it right.

I am so sorry to do this to you. I feel only love for you mom and dad. But I’m terribly sad everyday. I hurt. People will think I took the easy way out. I say I took the smart way out.

Tell everyone I love them. Make sure everyone knows that I just want to be in peace. I love everyone. I’m so sorry to have to do this.

It’s the only way I know how.

Julien.